Staying married to schizoaffective disorder husband

[ThatGirl22]

Edit: update since my original post, my husband told me last week he can't handle the side effects of the anti-psychotics (no emotion, no happiness) so he's gone off them. I also found out yesterday he created a Tinder profile (dating app). So as a result I have ended the marriage. His family are supportive of him going off the meds, even though he's a huge risk of psychotic episodes off them. Am I wrong in ending the marriage over these 2 huge factors? 

My husband has recently been diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder, bi polar type. It has been a long difficult journey over the last 4 years to get here, where he has multiple times (once a year) accused me of being unfaithful with his friends (absolutely not true, I love my husband dearly). The last 2 instances, he went to drastic measures to get evidence, including putting software on my phone and recording devices in our house/my handbag. This ended up with him being admitted to the psychiatric ward as he claimed he heard things on the audio that weren't there, and it ended up with the diagnosis, but not before a lot of extremely hurtful things came from him towards me (all verbal, not physical). He is now on the mend and wants to make our marriage work, but I am so damaged and broken by all that he said. He promises me that it won't happen again as he is medicated, and I want to believe that, but I don't know if I can get past all the hurt. I love him immensely, we have young children and I thought we were going to be together forever. The thought of us parting ways is ripping me apart, but the thought of staying with him and living in fear of more accusations and the subject of more investigations terrifies me. Has anyone else been in this situation where their other half has had a diagnosis that makes them the target of paranoia, and have you stayed or was it too much to handle and you ended the relationship? The decision is agonising and I'm in pain every day with what to do.   

[rav3n]

Hey @ThatGirl22 welcome to the forums, it's lovely to have you join us! 

I can see how overwhelming this must be for you, processing your husband's diagnoses and replaying your relationship with him must be evoking a lot of mixed emotions. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this alone, I'm so so glad you've reach out to us - it really shows a lot of strength!

I'm glad your husband is able to get treatment now, and even though doesn't change the past, its a step forward in his healing journey. As much as his healing his important, so is yours - your mental health and self-care comes first for you! It looks like you have a healing journey of your own that you want to work on, and we're here to support you 💗

It is definitely a big decision - do you have someone you can talk to about this? A friend, psychologist, etc? I think talking it out with a professional or someone you trust would definitely be worth it. 

Know that we're here for you.

[ThatGirl22]

Thank you for your lovely response. I have a wonderful psychologist working with me, and an amazing support network including my best friend who is also a psychologist. In terms of support I am incredibly lucky and could not have better people around me. I guess that I feel the one thing I'm missing is hearing from people who have been in my situation and how they have handled it. I feel like I need to give him a chance at making us work so that I can see if the diagnosis and meds make a difference. But in saying that, I just am struggling immensely to get past all that he did. He said some horrible things, really horrible and has apologised profusely but I'm so nervous that if he has psychotic episodes in the future that it will all happen again. The person he is when he's not in psychotic episodes is completely different. He's loving, caring, funny and much more. It's like Jekyll and Hyde. I just don't know if I can live like that, but I'm also struggling to imagine not living with him either. 

[Tina4]

I came onto the forum tonight because I’m in a really similar situation and wanted to reach out somehow.

My husband has psychosis that has come and gone over the past 5 - 6 years - initially he was paranoid that he was under surveillance and that I was behind it, and in the last 2 episodes, which have been the worst, he’s been sure I’ve been unfaithful and posting sexual content online. When he’s really unwell he finds photos and videos of women online and shows them to me saying they are me. I have also never slept with anyone else or done any online stuff - it’s totally outside of my personality. 

We have been together 28 years (we were young) and we have 2 young teen kids. When he’s well we are so happy and I love him so much but right now he hates me, he calls me names, switches to angry so easily.. 

tonight he was yelling about killing himself and didn’t care that our daughter heard. I just want to keep them safe.. I don’t want to leave, but tonight he said he hasn’t been taking his medication and he doesn’t want to anymore, so I can’t see how it’s going to get better.

At this stage, I can cope with accusations that have happened in the past if he is well.. I’m scared of it happening again when he is well but I just try and enjoy the better times and not anticipate it going bad again. When he’s well he is able to say he was unwell and recognize that he needs medication, so I can cope with that. 
If he’s well, there’s every possibility he will stay well. I get through by telling myself he’s unwell and his intention isn’t to hurt me… I am worried tonight though that he’s not going to come through it.. 

[tyme]

Hey @Tina4 ,

Thank you for reaching out. It certainly takes a lot to share your sharing with an anonymous community.

Do you feel safe tonight? Do you think he is safe tonight?

If anyone feels unsafe at any point, it is very important you contact 000, and let them know you have children at home.

It sounds like he really needs help. Do you think he can get an appointment with a specialist asap?

[ThatGirl22]

Oh my goodness @Tina4 ,I felt every bit of your response, knowing someone out there is in a similar situation, I know the love you feel, yet the fear as well. Thank you for sharing your story. Yes it does come down to that - them staying on meds and us feeling safe. One of my biggest worries is that each time my husband has had an episode, it has gotten worse - his actions to get evidence against me that doesn't exist - I'm fearful of how much worse it could get if there's a next time. Last time he thought I was sleeping with his mate and threatened to call Child Protection as I wasn't keeping the kids safe. He thought he had audio of me and the guy being intimate with our son in the next room. He was on forums calling me horrific names, not knowing I was reading them and it was dagger after dagger through my heart reading them

Your position is incredibly difficult, given that he is saying things in front of your daughter. Also saying he won't take meds, this condition cannot be treated without them. You should consider (as I did last time) heading to a family member or friends house for the night where you are safe, and evaluate from there. This is in no way an easy decision moving forward for either of us, it's a lifetime of uncertainty and heartache watching the ones we love turn into people we don't even recognise and it's excruciating. 

[Tina4]

Thank you for responding - it does help to know I’m not the only one.. so hard to think of it getting worse over time. It’s the same in our case too. 

thank goodness he slept last night and took meds this morning.. 

thankfully my Mum is around the corner and I have taken kids and stayed there too. My plan for tonight if it escalates again is to go there with the kids and then to call in mental health support for him.. but this morning he is is loving gentle self so of course I’m just hoping that continues.. 

[arealTasmanian]

Stay safe and keep us updated. x