Life and trauma

[Former-Member]

@Oaktree it was one step forwards and 3 steps backwards. Not off to a great start, I'm exhausted and the simplest of tasks are overwhelming me. 

Baby steps, minute by minute. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member 

I can only imagine how horrible it is to go through.  I've only ever been on drugs with physical side effects and withdrawals.  So although there may be pain, discomfort, or bits of the body doing weird things... mentally I was always in control.  I remember when I was young and getting a wee bit drunk... as you do, I didn't like getting more than 'a bit happy'.  More than that I felt like I was losing mental control.  It was always strange to me, i could talk to myself rationally to try and convince myself i was in control, but while i was telling myself what to do... I just did other things.  It was like I had been moved from the drivers seat to the passenger seat in my own body.  I never liked it!  Maybe it's why i never tried recreational drugs!  That and i'm very cheap!

I've had times when I can't see that flick of light anymore.  In those times I try to remind myself that it's there, I just can't see it at the moment.  Going back to the nautical theme... I'm not sure why I have boats on the brain at the moment... if that light is a distant land, people just sailed in that direction, trusting it was there and if they just kept going in that direction they would eventually see it.  So in those dark times, don't confuse not being able to see that light with there being no light.  If you can see it but feel you cant reach it, then just keep focused an that light.  Don't lost sight of it and trust that you will get there eventually.

Three steps backwards and one step forward, still involves a step forward.  As you say, baby steps.  But also remember to celebrate those small wins... those small steps forward.  They give us that flicker of hope that keeps us going in the toughest times.  So never dismiss them, especially when they come with a few backward steps.  they just remind us which direction forward is!  We're here to support and to remind you that you can do this!  You are doing this! 

It doesn't mean it's easy, no one is trying to say that.  But as much effort and fight as it takes, remember than you, as a person, are worth it.

[Former-Member]

@MJG017 I've never been drunk, it just doesn't interest me in the slightest. I haven't had a drink in like 19 years. And I've never done recreational drugs either. I just get told that I'm boring and haven't experienced life. So it's nice to know someone that's the same. Completely understand that feeling of not being in control, that's exactly what that medication did to me, I didn't know what I had done until it was too late. 

At the moment i can't see that flicker of light but I'm trying hard to believe that it's still there somewhere in all this darkness. That nautical theme seems to come up alot throughout the forums and I like it. I guess it's so easy to relate to being in the middle of the ocean essentially lost at sea not knowing which way is which. 

It's now been about 8 steps backwards, but the step forwards is that I'm here, i got out of bed, had a shower, my heart is still beating and I'm still breathing.

I'm dehydrated which is crappy but it doesn't matter how much I drink I'm still thirsty. In hospital they only gave me half a cup of water whilst i was there so that hasn't helped. 

I'm so thankful to have you and everyone here to support me through this. Right now I don't feel worth it, but I'm trying hard to find my self worth and learn to value and appreciate myself. I just don't know how to change that when there's so much hatred towards myself. 

How are you going today anyway? 

[Former-Member]

@Jynx here goes nothing. Not sure I'm in the right headspace to start this but I need to do something. 

I can feel so much building up inside of me and i don't like the feeling at all. 

 

[Jynx]

@Former-Member oooo it's an intricate one!! How'd the colour picking go for this one? 

Aye, stuff wants to come out eh? You got ways to express them, like in art or movement? Me, I like using poetry 😉

[Oaktree]

@Former-Member @MJG017 

I have never done recreational drugs. Some might call me a square but I know I am smart. I don’t want to get mixed up in all that. For the past 10 years I haven’t drunk any alcohol either but I am stepping away from my church so may have an occasional drink, undecided. 

[Former-Member]

@Jynx ok so these are my colours. I treated myself to them today. 

 

Stuff definitely wants to come out but I'm not ready to allow myself to lose control like that. I'm still in that very scary headspace after what's happened. Trying to just focus on the painting and hope that it eases some of the build up inside. 

[Former-Member]

@Oaktree it's something that I'm actually proud of, with everything I've gone through and I never turned to anything like that to help me cope or numb my feelings. 

I've got nothing against people that drink or do drugs just as long as it's not forced upon me. Each to their own I say. 

[MJG017]

@Former-Member 

Even with being drunk, that loss of control can come on suddenly, or it sneaks up on you and you don't realise until you've lost enough control.  I remember once we were sitting outside and someone brought a bottle of vodka.  So a friend on I sat there drinking it.  I'd never had vodka before, mainly because it tastes horrible.  But as we're sitting there getting through the bottle, i'm thinking "wow, i've had so much and i'm not feeling thing!"  A little while later and most of the bottle gone I decided to get up for the first time since starting.  That's when I discovered standing was no longer a simple option.  It's one of the weirdest things i've ever experienced.  It's like a switch got flicked... sober to blotto!

Maybe that's why I like the nautical references as well.  Which is still odd to me.  My parents loved fishing and I used to get dragged out to it when I was too young to be left alone... apparently.  dad had a small boat as well.  Jeez I hated everything about it!  The slow boat, the fishing, the boredom, the horizon bobbing up and down, the violent puking!  I still have no idea what anyone sees in any of it!

Well, it seems like at least 4 steps forward to me.  Some days getting out of bed is a big enough win.  Days like that a shower is just another bonus. Still here and still breathing is obviously always a win in tough times.

It takes time to see yourself differently... more positively.  I totally get that.  What's important to remember is that even though you are struggling with it at the moment, think back over the past few months since you've been here.  Think of how you felt when you first signed up.  Think about the times you have started to see your worth and the the blame isn't all on you.  It takes time, so it's hard to see progress when things go slowly.  You have to look back to see it.

As for me, i'm hot!  There's stuff I need to do, but it's hot and there's little to no motivation to do anything.  I wish I could say it was the heat.  I'm just struggling to really see what the rest of my life is going to involve me doing... other than just hoping it keeps going for a while.

[MJG017]

@Oaktree @Former-Member 

I've never really seen the attraction of drinking and drugs.  I don't mind a little drink every now and then these days but if i'm out I usually just get a Coke Zero... it's way cheaper.  As for drugs, if i need them to make me happy, then i'm worse of than i ever thought I was.  Although these days, there are times when I get why people do it... just to escape.  But it all comes at a great cost.  I've also know a few people who do it because they enjoy it.  It's only weed and he will offer it, but it's no issue if anyone refuses.  But I wouldn't feel comfortable around people doing anything harder.   

I think you should be proud of yourself for never to turning to that Gremlin, we all should be.  Those new colours look so bright as well.  What is your first piece of art with them going to be?  I'm assuming that one you just posted.  It should look amazing in those colours.  Do you ever finish them off with some clear coat or anything.  I did that with my metalhead gnome I printed and painted.  It did make it all glossy and made the colours pop.  But the paints I used were nowhere near as bright as yours.