Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye I see what you mean. Glad you are safe for now. Though they are only fleeting, maybe you could do little bits like making your space safe (put meds/sharps away and stuff like that) and put up a lil reminder like 'Hey, call LL or SCBS before reaching crisis point pls?' or something, cos we know that we are not the smartest cookies when we're in survival mode hey! I hope it doesn't need to get to that point but, in my experience, having the safety net is what ensures I don't need it!

Oh true, yeah nah let's not go hunting down ex-clients and demanding friendship of them shall we? 

Sounds like her story really moved you tho, and hey you can take solace in knowing you're definitely not alone in your experiences. 

....y'know I'm realising that's probably why so many of my friends have complex mental health. Cos we're all as intense as each other.... Tho I think I am notoriously the most emotionally expressive 😅 

Oh bother, I must away!! Thanks for chats tonight, and look after yourself ok hun? Sending hugs! 🫂🫂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I haven’t been able to shake out of this irritable mood, it’s still going on. I am sleep deprived which isn’t helping.

Maybe I do need more friends with complex mental health struggles. I haven’t met many people who have admitted to struggling with SI. I do feel guilty about the thoughts. I feel bad for feeling this way. I know some might think I’m selfish for not thinking about others, but I’ve had moments where I felt like people would be better off without me. Having said all that, I want to say I’m safe but I do want to escape from this. I want to escape from the world and my mind. My head is feeling very heavy, the emotional and physical pain is difficult.

I hope you have been able to rest up 🫂💖

[Jynx]

@creative_writer just your gentle reminder that when we are stuck in survival mode, our brains HAVE to be selfish. Like that's how they're wired - to put whatever our survival-brain has determined to be the best path towards continued existence at the tippy top of priorities, even when that means we end up doing things that are in conflict with our values!! 

And then add in the fact that as a recovering people-pleaser, I HAD to very specifically push myself to be more selfish.... I think you're okay hun 😉

Hope you've been resting up your own self!! Poor thing, sleep deprivation is so unfun. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I don’t know how to put a trigger warning to this post.

TW

Content/trigger warning

I know at the end of the day people will judge, some people do see suicide as selfish and believe one needs to look at the consequences it will have on others. When someone is having a mental health crisis they may believe they are better off dead and that they are a burden on others. It’s frustrating. I don’t want to have to feel guilty for having SI. I don’t think the worst thing is to die, none of us can escape it and it’s inevitable. The pain of trauma is way deeper.

I do want to say I’m not feeling suicidal anymore. I was earlier. I have crashed and I’m experiencing burn out. Manic symptoms were building up from last week, it got really bad that I couldn’t sleep anymore even with the PRN. I took PRN for days straight, probably should’ve taken it last week when symptoms were less intense. I am grateful that I had the willpower to resist self-destructive urges. I may have spent too much money and may have left a hole in my wallet, but as long as I don’t continue at this rate for any longer I’m okay.

There were stuff I was going to need eventually like matcha which will be running out. I also bought some chamomile- lavender blend for anxiety. Though I got stuff I didn’t need aswell because I lost willpower to resist, silly me

[Jynx]

@creative_writer gotchu!

TW: Suicide

Content/trigger warning

Yeah for sure, it's not really ever about dying in my experience, but about changing. When one's circumstances feel helpless to change, one might naturally conclude that death is the only option. And like yeah, there's that ongoing tension where the suicidal person is told they're selfish, but from their perspective they're 'doing everyone a favour'. Which is why lived experience is so vital in MH support!! So you actually get people who understand these nuances!

I'm glad to hear that you managed okay in the end! I knew you would but it's always hard to see someone you care about having such a time! Do you reckon it'd be worth making some notes about what the 'signs' were that you missed for taking PRN sooner? 

Ooooh new tea!! Love! Chamomile and lavender sounds LUSH!!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think there is always the ADHD and bipolar confusion. I am naturally a restless person, sometimes it’s hard for me to differentiate what is what. I do think maybe keeping a mood journal would be helpful. I do recall sleep disturbances recently. I also had a random bout of suicidal ideation a while back too.

I do hope the tea tastes amazing, I love the smell of lavender, I find it so calming. I keep lavender essential oil in my box. I love mixing it with peppermint, and adding a carrier oil and massaging it. I make my own mixture of massage oil

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah I think it would help you in building that self-understanding hey! Cos I know it can be stressful as to be struck by a mood out of nowhere. A mood journal might help noticing patterns and help you prepare! 

OMG you could open a lil herbal shop hehe. Yeah lavender is sooooo lush!! Wish I had some in my garden! And some rosemary and jasmine, mmmmm 😍

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it can be tricky. I did start doing a mood diary but then forgot about it.

I love essential oils, which reminds me I need to clean my diffuser so I can turn it on in my bedroom. I love scents. I have jasmine oil in my box. I have other oils in my box too, I sort of forgot about them

[Jynx]

@creative_writer Well we know that right there is the ADHD 🤣

Oooh jasmine is like my FAV flower, it's hard to find essential oils that actually capture the scent! Made the mistake of buying jasmine incense once... Yeah burning jasmine? Not so nice 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I never realised that my brain was ADHDing when I was younger. No wonder why it was hard to concentrate in classrooms. I wonder if any of my teachers noticed my fidgeting. I was the weird and shy kid. Kiddos weren’t always good about it.

The most pure jasmine I could find was from eco modern essentials. It is diluted with a carrier oil because pure jasmine is super expensive, but the scent is still lovely to use in a diffuser, it still comes across