Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@Jynx yes, I wear the hijab. I’m holding up okay with the cap. I’m wearing a plain bamboo undercap underneath to make it more comfortable. I think I may have showed you the Pashtun woman cap before that’s worn in Pakistan-Afghanistan. It’s the second day of Eid, that’s why I’m dressed up.

I’m in the car right now going back home. Getting a bit carsick, but I’ll be home in a bit. Migraines don’t hold well in cars 😔. Probably have room for half a dinner once I’m back home

[Jynx]

@creative_writer ohhh I would have loved to see! Bet you look smashing! And that's so clever, layering with bamboo!! We ND's gotta make dooooo 😝

Eyyyy Eid Mubarak!!

Oof how do you go with your migraines and fasting? I feel like you mentioned it like last week but I can't remember and no one likes back scrolling 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx clothing can sometimes be itchy. The hat might be woollen. I would have loved to show you the whole outfit. Gotta embrace my part Pashtun heritage. There are different ethnic groups in Pakistan who sort of have their own culture and language. There is an official language for the country, but it’s more diverse than people may think.

Thank you ☺️. I didn’t manage to fast this Ramadan because of chronic pain. Migraines demand regular meals and adequate water intake.

Do you think it’s growth. I feel like I’m thinking less about trauma these days, but still bothered by being in physical pain. I also still have social anxiety. Maybe I care too much about what other people think, but it’s hard to undo the high status placed on reputation when growing up in a culture like mine

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye right there with ya! Like why my skin out here thinking I've got cashmere-money 🤣

Ooh cool, I'm learning something new!! Hadn't heard of the Pashtun before so I am probably gonna do a little deep dive later!! Thanks for sharing some of your culture with me!! Is it your mum's side or your dad's? 

I'm glad you didn't push yourself hun. Spirituality is sacred, but so are our bodies!! 

You know who gets to decide if it's growth? YOU! Part of my own recovery was literally having to practice celebrating my success because BOY was that a struggle. Even if you're not where you want to be, you're also not where you were. Plus, our inner world informs our outer world so I reckon, yeah, call it growth!! I would (and am).

Its basically like, 'hey cool, things have shifted a little, not as much as I'd like but hey, they're different so this must be growth!! I should keep going!' vs. 'I should be at stage z by now but I'm stuck at x, ugh I'm never gonna get better'. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my mum has more. I wouldn’t be surprised if my dad had small amounts too. I think my ancestors sort of moved around. I’m pretty much a blend of Punjabi and Pashtun. I have random bits and pieces, like my parents came up with Celtic, West Asia, Central Asia in the ancestry tests.

It is true we define success. My mind has been so scattered that I have been forgetting to do my psych homework. I only managed 3/14 during the last fortnight.

My physical body just does stuff,

[Jynx]

@creative_writer woah that's cool as!! Love the idea of a lil nomadic family, travelling the lands and scooping up lovely people along the way 😊

Ahh woops!! Ahh well, 3 is better than 0!! And you can do more next week 😊

Aye, same... Like sometimes I just wish I had a doctor I could call to be like 'hey there's this really uncomfortable sensation happening - is this Normal Human Body Weirdness or is this Time to Worry Weirdness?' 

Ach gots to dash!! Chat tomorrow mayhaps 😁 Hope you're back in comfy clothes and off to slumberland 💜🫂

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I feel like moving around runs in my family. I grew up moving around a lot too.

Human bodies are complex. Physical pain isn’t easy to deal with on a regular basis, but I suppose I’ve gotten used to it. Maybe some of it is stored emotions. I have no idea how to get the emotions out if I can’t even put it in words. I can go to therapy, but ultimately there will be stuff I can’t even express

[Jynx]

@creative_writer have we spoken a bit about this before? How moving around a lot can contribute to complex developmental trauma? Feel like I remember you mentioning having to say goodbye to so many childhood friends, which is like, a LOT of grief for a wee lil babby!

Omg once again you and I are on similar journeys!! I am meeting up with a friend soon who recently did a bunch of physio, literally telling me "You may have noticed I'm actually taller!" and they WERE, cos of the physio!

They said part of the process was crying a whole bunch and processing all these emotions and stuff!!

But yeah that's been happening to me too - literally a couple weeks ago my partner was giving me a massage and like... it's been a WHILE since I've gotten a massage and even longer since I've gotten a massage from someone I feel safe to be open/vulnerable with, and yep! I bawled my eyes out! Last two times actually, but the second time I kinda knew what was happening. The first time.... whoooo boy I shame-spiralled a bit from that!! I am very lucky partner is wise and patient and talked me off it 😅😌

But yeah, kinda hectic what good physio can do... I do think they were like a somatic masseuse or something as well? Cos yeah thats what you want, not just 'massage sore muscles' but like someone who has a deep understanding of the mind-body connection I'd wager. If I learn more I will totally share!! I think this stuff could help us out maybe.... yaaaaay 🥲

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I’m not sure if I would say I lost many friends. Or maybe I did. One day girls sort of turned against me. I looked different from everyone else, I had dark hair and eyes. Many of my peers were blonde and light eyed. Many of the girls fell into peer pressure so sort of secluded me. My brother also faced racism. We sort of moved because we did not feel welcomed. Moving around a lot also made it hard to form friendships. I went to a total of five schools.

I’m sort of scared to go to physio, though I probably need it. My neck and back are still suffering. I need to research physios. I am also waiting for the occupational therapy referral to get through. I am thinking of doing physio privately due to limited Medicare rebate sessions. I’m using Medicare for occupational therapy. Maybe I will seem a bit taller afterwards 😂, though I don’t know if it comes down to posture. I find it hard to stand straight or sit straight, it feels so uncomfortable

[Jynx]

@creative_writer That is horrible, I'm sorry you went through that. My older sister (adopted at 3 m.o. from Korea) faced a LOT of racism growing up, so I only witnessed it. I can only relate insofar as being visibly and openly queer has copped me a fair amount of bullying too, but I have the privilege of being white and 'passing' (most people don't assume I'm trans, so I am less likely to be randomly targeted). 

Wild just HOW MUCH everything about our sociocultural context wires our neurobiology hey!

UGH how expensive is it!!! So gross, how many hoops we have to pay to jump through to get needs met 😠 But I digress, yes totally look into it!! Maybe the OT will have some good recommendations!