Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

@creative_writer oooh I LOVE my weighted blanket! If you enjoy high/hard pressure (like... when I was a kid I used to pull my whole-ass mattress off my bed and just lie there with it on top of me.... and it took THIS LONG to figure out I'm ND? ahaha) then definitely give it a go, they're a lot cheaper nowadays too. Think you can get one from Kmart for like $80 or something. 

Ohhhh you and me both hun!! I'm like, legit scared to go to a masseuse atm cos every time my partner has given me a massage I've ended up weeping!! I think it's the ol' Body Keeping Score business you know? And like... at one point I got this odd sensation that the tears I was shedding, the pain I was releasing, wasn't mine. Pretty sure it was some like, intergenerational stuff I got from my mother 😲 It was so bizarre!! But hey at least it's not in my body anymore lol. 

But yeah pretty sure it's normal for us, we who have trauma, to get very emotional during body work!! Helps I think to remind yourself of that as much as needed, cos yeah, all those confusing bodily sensations are A TIME 😅

[creative_writer]

@Jynx wow, you actually lifted your mattress, you must have been an athletic kid. I was the non-athletic tall kid. Gotta thank my genes for that.

I give myself massages, it feels more comfortable than asking someone else to massage. Maybe I don’t trust anyone else to do that for me, I also don’t like when people massage too hard. My scalp is super sensitive from chronic pain. I wonder if the massaging is bringing up more than I realise. But I do feel different after a massage, the physical pain has been less intense lately. I think I may need to wait for my hair to grow out and hopefully become less dry. Dry hair breaks so easily. I don’t know where all the natural hair oil goes

[Jynx]

@creative_writer slid/dragged is probably more accurate lol also they were only foam, not inner spring!!

Been thinking about remedial massage cos of that - like someone also trained in physiotherapy (I think that's the difference anyway) so they really know what they're doing in terms of pressure and accuracy. 

Do you wash your hair often? Cos sometimes it's from over-washing, since that strips our hair of its natural oils!

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I would trust the physio with my neck and back but not my head. I don’t like people touching my head. Though I am scared of letting someone massage me. I’m scared of getting triggered. Even trying to feel myself in my body can feel too much at time. Just got something set off right now, not even sure how.

I only wash my hair twice a week but even then I need to deeply moisturise it each time. I use a hair mask instead of a conditioner each time, I feel like I would need half a conditioner bottle. Maybe it’s genetics, my skin is also dry. Though I do feel like I used to have more natural oils, I don’t know where they went. I probably have poor circulation too

[Jynx]

@creative_writer maybe being so scared of being triggered is part of the problem? One of the phrases I actually hear a lot from people in recovery is around like 'It's not that I don't get triggered anymore, it's just that I am far better at managing when I am.' Obvs depends on the trigger, and the trauma response, but yeah like, just wondering if that's worth exploring, cos that's part of the whole 'avoidance behaviours' dealio I think. 

Huh... maybe something a dermatologist could help with? You know cos that's a super cheap and accessible service 😪

[creative_writer]

@Jynx there is a lot of fear of being triggered, it can be uncomfortable. Like I don’t know what triggered the discomfort in my body tonight

[Jynx]

@creative_writer just gonna try something here.... 

What do you think the discomfort is telling you?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it wants healing and demands to be felt. It wants me to cry and let it all out. It wants me to seek comfort from someone but not sure who, I don’t think I can let anyone get too close right now. My body is replaying it physically

[Jynx]

@creative_writer it's only a very small gesture, but I find it super helpful - just resting your whole hand flat over your chest/heart. I like to think of it as the best way I can hug myself. Maybe that could help, insofar as you are providing some comfort, some physical reassurance to yourself?

Cos yeah I imagine that tension between wanting physical comfort and needing to not be touched would be a real tough one. 

Your family not big huggers? Would it be weird to just go up to one of em and be like 'oi can I have a hug?'

Cos all I got is these virtual ones - heaps of em, always here for ya! Buuuut I dunno how regulating they are, LOL

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I might try hugging myself. My family do hug each other so it’s not weird, but they are aware that I’m not always in the mood for hugs. I don’t think I can hug them right now, I just need to hug someone I can break down to and be emotionally vulnerable with. That person doesn’t exist in my life.

I’ll take your virtual hugs