Don’t want to accept the pain

[Jynx]

@creative_writer perhaps it comes back to narratives? Maybe you don't even need to define it as a 'sexual experience' when it was actually just traumatising. There was nothing sexual about it because sexuality is about connection, and that was about power. 

What do you think? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is true it was more of a traumatic experience than a true sexual one. There was no connection, but it’s painful when someone does something so personal non-consensually. I’m just hurting a lot tonight. I don’t know if I’m processing things, or if my mind has just gone on a loop. It’s all been so uncomfortable

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye, beyond painful I'd say. But hey maybe you are processing!! Have you given space to the feelings? You know stuff like saying to yourself 'it makes sense for me to feel this grief' and then giving yourself permission to just sit with it as needed... 

Flipside, if you're finding that the thoughts are looping, and there's more of a stuck feeling than one of emotions doing what they need to.... maybe it's entering ruminatey territory? 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I don’t even know how I survived without losing my mind. Maybe I disassociated so much when it happened. My bipolar disorder was chaotic when it all happened, I had too much going on internally to take much more in. Though they do say trauma can also worsen bipolar. Having multiple mental illnesses and living with ND is complex. When I first met my current pdoc and psych they mentioned how complex things were.

It is probably going to rumination territory, my mind has been hyperactive lately. Thoughts come and come. I am noticing that I’m less tired than I should be even after taking meds. I do hope I get decent sleep. No sleep or lack of sleep=more racing thoughts. I’m in bed and I’m trying to hold on. I have been getting SI, but it’s not like what it used to be. It’s easier to resist, but still hard. It’s a battle between the heart and mind

[Jynx]

@creative_writer seems likely - was watching a video about this yesterday actually - like that we do have ADHD genes and it's our environment that turns them off or on again. So it would track that bipolar is the same, as it is also highly heritable. It's possible that you dissociated real hard to survive, and what's happening now is that you're processing the feelings that you didn't feel safe to experience back then. Only trouble is that we can get stuck in that cos we keep revisiting the same neural pathways. 

I'm really hearing you hun. Hugs 🫂🫂

It's good you can recognise that it might be ruminatey and thus not really helpful anymore. Please also be super gentle with yourself, and I hope you can get off to sleep swiftly!! And I know that you are resisting (kudos!) but don't forget, 'prevention is better than cure' i.e. please do reach out for help BEFORE you reach crisis point if you can 🤞

Chat to you tomorrow if you're about! Have a chill night 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx the environment can make a huge difference. Stress can cause bipolar and ADHD symptoms to become worse. I don’t think I noticed my ADHD symptoms as much when I was under less stress than I do now.

Like you previously said, I wish I could just write this off as traumatising experiences, it was about power not sexuality. My brain still feels like I’ve lost the chance to have my first sexual experience from a loving partner.

I hope you had a restful night 💖

[Jynx]

If it makes you feel any better @creative_writer firsts are overrated anyway. It's usually awkward and never really as good because you don't know each other yet! Honestly, there's a part of me that's really glad I was just with some rando and basically got it over and done with. 

Obviously VERY different situations and our cultural context is very different too, so I know there's probably differences in how we value that kind of experience, but I thought it was worth mentioning cos like, this experience does NOT preclude you from having that loving first time.  

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I think as you say culture plays a role. I do believe women tend to be more targeted. Though the right people won’t ever held me accountable for something I had no control over. It’s still does bring a sense of loss, maybe it’s a common response.

I do think I will need to be open to some extent before getting in a relationship in case I do get triggered at any point. ND are prone to sensory sensitivities which adds another layer

[Jynx]

@creative_writer aye for sure, the right people will definitely be accepting and understanding!! 

Oooh you can kinda play it to advantage tho.... hehe so like I have red lamps in my room. I got em cos the red light is obviously better for pre-bedtime but it also just so happens to be excellent lighting to 'set the mood' lol. Also I love HARD PRESSURE so sometimes I just get my partner to lay on top of me. Not doing much, just enjoying body weight. Actually autistic sex is super fun 😝

But yeah having a quick chat about it prior is definitely wise, and you'd hopefully have found someone who is patient and kind with you if/when you burst into tears in the bedroom. Been there!! Still kinda there actually lol

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I wear red glasses in the evening. I do have a tinny red light but I don’t know where it went, I need to look for it. I’ve heard weighted blankets can be helpful, I haven’t ever used one. I like crawling under my duvet and blanket. I prefer soft breathable bed linen because it feels nicer. The polyester rich stuff makes me feel awful.

Sometimes the tears come out of nowhere. I’ve had moments where I’ve tried doing body scans only to end up feeling like shit afterwards. They don’t seem to agree with me anymore, I used to be able to do them. I am able to manage breathing exercises and grounding. I messaged my head and neck the other day, and emotions started bubbling, and it was so confusing. I’m doing daily head massages to help with pain and hair growth. My hair is so dry and grows so slow. I was alarmed by how much shedding I was experiencing initially, but I’ve been stressed and had so much tension