I can’t cope

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yay for crying!! I know, that comment might feel unpleasant amongst all the shame but I am glad to hear it - means there's less cortisol in your body now!! Hooray 😋

I am sending you soooo many hugs!! Weighted dino buddy sounds like just the ticket hey. Your wily one and your himbo cuddled up with you as well?

[Captain24]

I don’t like crying and I hate anyone seeing it @Jynx. She didn’t bring any attention to it though.

Apparently I haven’t gone backwards. Even though I feel so miserable and so low I did some things that are actually a step forward. 

I told her how much I hate myself and hate who I am. 

I’m not coping. I’m a deep pain. So much hurt. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aye I know darlin, but that doesn't mean I'm not still gonna always try to turn it around for you. 

Yessssss we love to hear it!! I'm not surprised at all lol, I know you're not going backwards. But I bet it was nice to hear it from your psych!! 

Self-hate is so exhausting, I know it too well. Maybe if I scream loud enough... 

CAPTAIN YOU'RE AMAZING DON'T LISTEN TO YOUR BRAIN TELLING YOU OTHERWISE!!! 

Hmmm did any sink in? I don't wanna yell louder it might scare the local animals away!

[Captain24]

It was helpful to have it pointed out. She did it in a really good way. @Jynx. I told her I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I’m a complete mess. 

It is exhausting and no it didn’t sink in. It’s not believable. It’s not the truth. 

My dogs are really annoying me off. I just want them to go away. All they are doing is annoying me. I can’t cope with them right now. Pix wants something and I don’t know what that is. Jett won’t get out of my face. I can’t do it.

I’m shaking, I’m in the verge of crying again, all I feel is intense pain. I wish I could just go to bed. I hate being awake. I hate being me. I hate what I want to do. There is only one way to find some peace. The thoughts are there. 

Sorry for being too much again. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 wanna take a couple deep breaths for me? And see if you can't gently remind yourself that black & white thinking is a normal trauma response, but it doesn't represent the truth? 

Two things can be true. You can hate yourself, and I can also be very fond of you and value you quite highly. Both of those things are correct. 

My cats get on my nerves when I'm dysregulated too, it's normal. I sometimes just chuck a handful of treats at them to try to shut them up! Maybe not for Pix tho, her poor tum! Maybe what Pix wants is just to comfort you? 

I'm hearing how loud the thoughts are hun. What do you think will help you in staying safe tonight? Here beside you 💜

[Jynx]

@Captain24 also you're not too much, you're never too much!

[Captain24]

I just had an extra strong hot chocolate with condensed milk. @Jynx. 

I know that I have catastrophic thinking, all or nothing and black and white but it’s hard. So hard. I am struggling to unthink. 

But how can you like me? There isn’t anything to like. 

I gave them both a dental stick and now they have settled down. So I have a little bit of peace from them. Pix is in my room sleeping and Jett is sleeping on my lap. 

What if I don’t want to stay safe? I don’t want to be. I guess I have to be. It’s what I have to say anyway. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 niiiiice how good is condensed milk?! Goes in all my coffees these days haha

Yeah and it makes sense that you do!! Because when you're in survival mode, the brain doesn't have time for shades of grey, it's gotta decide NOW if there's danger. Really wish we could explain to our brains that 'no, an email is not a danger!' 

How can I like you? I dunno how does one like flowers? How does one like chocolate? I just do!! Because I enjoy chatting to you! Your opinion of yourself doesn't dictate mine hahaha

I get it darlin, I do. You want, more than anything, relief. It feels like that option will provide it. Of COURSE you don't want to do the things that, to your subconscious mind, feel like they prevent you from getting that relief. Our subconscious minds are silly lizard brains though and don't know what is actually best for us. 

What are you up to at the moment hun? Got some reprieve from the pesky pups! Glad to hear it. 

[Captain24]

I feel sick @Jynx

It’s all making me sick. It’s making me all agitated. It’s making me restless. My thoughts are out of control. I’m not feeling very strong. I’m really struggling. I’m such a loser, such a failure. So much wasted time and energy on me that I don’t deserve. I’m not good enough. I’m just useless.

Im just nothing. I’m not even a person. I am just a waste. I am hurt. I am in pain. Why am I even here? Why do I even try? Why am I not worthy? Why am I me? 

Im trying to watch tv but I have no focus. I have nothing. I want to go to bed. I dont want to go to bed. Nothing is making any sense. I am all over the place. 

One stupid dog just woke up and started growling. It was a teddy bear a metre away from them. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 wish we could just... swap perspectives for a day. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. Or... I wish your brain would let you believe me when I tell you that none of that is true. 

Can you do me a favour? You don't have to. But I think it would help if you were to spend just a minute, just 60 seconds, focusing on your breath. It sounds like you are potentially heading into a more heightened state and it is ALWAYS helpful to bring everything back to basics - breath, hydration, food, sleep. 

(I am also having a little chuckle at the dog... probably not funny for you because everything is horribly irritating right now but that is so funny... see, you make me laugh even when you're miserable!! Love that about you)