I can’t cope

[Captain24]

As someone who has huge difficulty in asking for help in all aspects of life I have called sane twice in two days @Former-Member. I’ve always been made feel to ask for help means you have failed and you’re not good enough. This is not helping my battle. 

Tonight it was pointed out that I have isolated myself to have very limited contact with the outside world. The only contact I have is when walking the dog or when I go grocery shopping the day before I go back to work. I even try to have my work breaks when no one else is around. Apparently this isn’t helping either. 

[Captain24]

I had the best night sleep I have had in a long time. I was in a dark place but had no SI. Today even though I feel refreshed I haven’t woken up in a good place. It doesn’t make any sense. 

I have no motivation at all. No matter how hard I try I just can’t push myself. I’m so disappointed and frustrated in myself as mornings have been my ok time but today I don’t even get that. 

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Captain24 🌻

I'm sorry to see how tough things are feeling today. It can feel so discouraging when it feels like things have taken a step backwards and for that frustration and disappointment to turn inwards.

Motivation is a tricky thing. Some days we can feel it, other days - not so much. 

Maybe you're not able to push yourself quite to the extent that you wanted to today but that is totally okay.  You've been able to get up and reach out despite not feeling in a good place right now, and that in itself is huge - it is not easy to reach out and ask for support.

Treat yourself gently and with compassion today, as hard as it can be sometimes, and trust that you are giving it your best shot today, even if that looks a little different than you might have originally liked.

Sitting with you 💛

[Captain24]

I feel like it’s a huge step backwards @Peregrinefalcon just as I thought maybe I can get through this. 

I went back to bed to try again and just woke up feeling worse. I haven’t left the house at all in 2 days. 

I guess I’ll just have to sit with it and ride it out and hope for a better day tomorrow. The disappointment and frustration are taking over. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Captain24  I've taken over moderation for this evening. 

I hear that things are pretty rough for you today. Sometimes riding it out is all we can do hey. 

Here with you💜

[Captain24]

I am struggling to ride it out but I’m tired of fighting. Fighting it is not getting me anywhere just to the dark but riding it out is getting me to the same place. I was hoping that I was done being in this place. I thought I was on the way up but I guess not. 

[Jynx]

In my experience the way up can be jagged, with detours, rocky walls to climb, and sometimes feel like it's getting me no where. I'm sorry to hear that this is how you're feeling right now, that does really suck. I hope that you know that even if it doesn't feel like you're improving, doesn't mean what you're doing to stay afloat is not worth doing. 

I believe in you 💜

[Captain24]

I’m glad someone believes in me @Jynx. My belief in myself is fading. I struggle with failure and that’s what today feels like. To constantly be told your not worth it makes this fight harder.  I just need to find some good in myself and my life. I need to stop beating myself every time I don’t do well. 

[Jynx]

I am very sorry to hear that that is what you're fighting against @Captain24 . Whoever is telling you that you aren't worth it (even including your own mind) is just plain wrong. 

Is there a small thing you can think of that has been good about today? Even as simple as... you heard a song you like, or you had a tasty breakfast, something like that? 

Getting out of the habit of beating yourself up is a tough slog, but like any skill, it just takes time. Maybe you could practice it by saying aloud to yourself something like "It's okay that today is crappy. It's okay to not be okay. I'm still just a human, and I'm allowed to make mistakes. If I was always at my best, then it wouldn't be my best it would just be normal." I dunno if that helps you, but stuff like that has been helpful for me. And saying it out loud feels super weird at first but words seem to have more power when they are vocalised, in my experience. 

[Captain24]

That person actually says a lot more and it’s so hard to not believe it. 

Ive actually used the rain as an excuse to not see them for the last 2 days so that’s my good thing for today! @Jynx. self preservation.

I will try telling myself that I am better than what I’m told. 

Thanks