I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It sounds like 2 completely different lives @Jynx. it must have been a really hard journey. 

How do I change them? Can they be changed? I don’t seem to learn anything how do I expect my brain to. I’ve just lost all hope. I constantly feel sick. I constantly feel nothing. I constantly feel miserable. I constantly feel not ok. How does that mean I can change them? I can’t change myself? I can’t get better? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aye, worth every difficult step tho! Yeah honestly I was suuuuuch a different person back then, and just like you I was absolutely convinced that... this was just life. This was just the way of it, that I was just a weak, shitty person who no one would ever love. CONVINCED. 

How do you change em.... one little bit at a time. With practice. With consistency. With encouragement and support. And with self-acceptance when we don't make the progress we're hoping for. Cos we cannot shame ourselves into a better version of ourselves.

Often, weirdly enough, it is in that moment when we wholly and unconditionally accept ourselves exactly as we are, that change begins to take place. One of the lil recovery paradoxes hahaha - even found an article about it if you're curious! 

[Captain24]

And look at you now @Jynx. Living life the way you want to live it. Being a free spirit. I guess the people that knew you then wouldn’t recognise you now. 

So basically I need to accept myself for who I am before I can move forward? That’s hard. How do I accept the fact that I’m a complete loser and a complete waste of space. That I’m good for nothing. That I’m not worth anything. I know all of that is true about me but accepting it is different. I feel like if I accept it that’ll lead to an unhealthy path. 

[Jynx]

Well that's the tricky part I guess @Captain24 because you're saying you need to accept that you're a loser... but calling yourself a loser is inherently non-self-accepting because it is self-depreciating. So I am definitely not saying 'just be content with who you are and how your life is going' but more stuff like... 'It's okay for me to be struggling right now, I am under a lot of pressure.' or 'I may not have made much progress today but that's okay, I had other things going on.' 

Even with the loser thoughts - 

"I'm such a loser.... no wait, I mean to say I feel like a loser, but I know that isn't really true, but it's a habit for my brain to say that to me. I don't need to listen. I'm doing my best."

"Ugh I'm just a waste of space! Okay okay that's a bit harsh, I am frustrated with myself and that's okay, but I know it's good that I take up space."

Gentle self-reassurance goes a long way to self-acceptance. 

We can talk more about it on Saturday if you like? I gotta skedaddle!! 

Many squishy hugs flying atcha!! 🫂🫂

[Captain24]

I just finished my Pdoc appointment @Jynx. I know you’re not around but I need to get this off my chest. 

She asked me a lot more questions. I had to discuss my childhood. She believes that’s where my bipolar came from. She believes I’m in a bipolar depressive episode. I’ve made another appointment to look at med changes. She wants to do that before diagnosing anything else. 

So nothing has changed. I’m still the same mess (or worse since bringing up my childhood again) I was before the appointment. But now I’m just sitting here crying as I have to wait another 10 days for anything to start to change. I feel defeated, I feel so alone and I feel lonely. I don’t know if I can do another 10 days. I don’t see my psych for 11 days. I’m on my own in this mess and I don’t think I can do it. I can’t keep going on. I don’t want to do it anymore. 10 days is a long way away. Even then I have to wait for the changes to even start to work. One bonus is that she thinks a med change will help me reduce my size. But that’ll take time too. I really was hoping for a quick fix something to start to lift me now. Something to take away the dark that has a massive hold on me. I don’t want to go on. How do I make it another 10 days? 

[rav3n]

hey there @Captain24 just saw your last post and sounds like that convo with your pdoc was pretty intense! do you have a post-appointment activity that you usually do to unwind? 

i can hear how waiting 10 days can be daunting, but i believe in you. you've pushed through before, and i know you can do it again. i know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it when those med changes and diagnosis can be made. you got this, even if it's minute by minute, second by second - you can do it. 💙