I can’t cope

[Captain24]

T/W ED

After my dietitian appointment I feel validated. I feel that she heard that the voice is so strong. But I’m not sure it’s a good thing. Validating that voice makes it real. Makes me know it’s there. Makes me know that I can hear it. Makes me want to listen to it more. She said that I need to increase my fluid intake. But that will increase my numbers. I can’t deal with that. I’m not coping now with the fact that I’m trying to eat properly and things aren’t changing. I think I’m starting to lose control of it. I feel like it’s starting to take over. I’m not sure my self talk can beat it anymore. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 i know the ED voices are feeling pretty strong at the moment for ya, i can imagine how overwhelming that must be. the way i see it, the validation was more around saying yes, the voice is being intrusive and it's hard to manage - it's not validating what the voices say but rather validating that the voices are there causing harm - does that make sense?

that voice is NOT the truth, and it's not accurate. i know it can be difficult to remember that right now, and it's in these times that you may need to be extra gentle and kind to yourself. is there something kind you can do for yourself right now? what would be helpful?

know that we're here for you 💙

[Captain24]

That makes sense @rav3n but that’s not what the voice is saying. It’s always been there with the body shaming and it’s been a bit louder recently with me talking myself into eating better. But right now it’s so loud. 

I’ve got no energy to do anything. I’ve written myself a list of jobs to do but I just can’t face them. I need to go shopping but the need to have a shower to go is so hard. I feel like I have nothing to give. My tank is empty. 

Im cold and miserable. I think I'm having withdrawal symptoms from my med reduction this week. I also think I stuffed it up and reduced by an extra dose. But I’ve lost track of where I’m at with the reduction. I’ll be glad when it’s finished. The withdrawals are hell. 

Im just not feeling ok right now. Like really not ok

[rav3n]

it really sucks that the voices have gotten louder @Captain24. a gentle reminder that loudness does not make it's more 'true'. you can tell a human that it's a dog as many times as you'd like, but it won't make it any more true. but of course, it would be exhausting and upsetting for the human to hear that constantly. 

i imagine the med changes are also adding to the exhaustion and making it harder to challenge the thoughts/voices. i know you were starting to feel good and then this has made it feel harder, but i assure you, you're not going backwards. this is just a dip in the journey but you can get back up with time - there's no rush. 

would it help to have an accountable buddy again today? sometimes when showers have been too much, i've just used body wipes for wherever i sweat most, then chucked on some perfume/deo and headed off - maybe it's not the best thing to do, but if it's helps me get through the day and stay safe, then i do it. 

i know you mentioned you're not feeling ok, i just wanted check-in to see if you're able to stay safe at the moment? do you reckon calling a helpline or maybe cuddling up with your dogs would be helpful?

[Captain24]

It is exhausting and distressing and while my rational voice knows it’s not true my ED voice says differently. @rav3n I actually use to get called a dog a lot at school. Ye even went to one place that had a sign ‘dogs not allowed’ and my ‘friends’ said that I wasn’t allowed in!

I was staring to feel better and I feel like I have failed. I’m going to leave my med dose at the same this week I think and give myself a break. Hopefully that will lift me up a little. It’s hard because I feel like the withdrawal isn’t my fault and it’s not my fault I feel like this. It makes it so much harder to pick myself up. I know blaming that isn’t healthy and I should just be able to work through it. I’ve been doing it for months now. I should be able to deal with it better. 

An accountability buddy would be good. It’s helped me in the past. I’m scared of failing and I’m a people pleaser so it kinda works. I don’t have wipes. I might need to buy some more. Pix’s wipes have dried out. I guess the first thing is to have a shower. 

I honestly don’t know about safety. It’s a hard one to answer. Not because I don’t want to say the wrong thing. It’s just that I really don’t know.

My dogs were just sitting on my lap but they jumped off because they want lunch! 

[Captain24]

I had that shower @rav3n. Now to do some grocery shopping. That’s extra hard. I have to see people and I go through self serve so I don’t have to talk to the operators but the self serve ones always talk to me. I can’t people. 

[rav3n]

well i just picked the worst example to use  i also got called a dog in school, not sure why that was the default term to hurt people's feelings... definitely not a great feeling. although i remember my mum saying that it's not an insult cos dogs are better than a human... still sucked but was a good point haha. @Captain24 

yay!! shower ticked off, and now grocery time. got my fingers crossed that it goes okay (i prefer self serve for that reason too).  

i do have to hop off now, but @Ru-bee or @AuntGlow are around too. see ya Cap, take care 💙

[Captain24]

Thanks @rav3n 

Have a good afternoon 

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon @Captain24, 

How are things feeling for you today? 🥰

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 good on you for letting your dietician in on what's been going on for you ❤️ 

Have you made it to the supermarket yet? Hopefully you can get away with just a quick smile and nod if the self serve workers try to chat