I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Now that I’m home I’m not ok.

I feel shame for failing, guilt for letting my boss and myself down.
I know it was the safest option to give in. I just wish it would get easier. 

[Captain24]

Wish this would all just end. 
I don’t think I can do it anymore 
Going back to bed to forget

[Former-Member]

Sorry to hear how you’re feeling today @Captain24.

Your work situation sounds really challenging with the 62 hour week and only ten hours between shifts. No wonder it is difficult to manage during those weeks. Finishing 52 hours of the 62 hour week is definitely something to be proud of, especially when your mental health is not at its best. I think there is absolutely a reservoir of strength there, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.

It sounds like you have well and truly earned the next five days off. I hope you can be gentle with yourself during this time; and I hope you’ve been able to get a bit more sleep in the last few hours.

It’s so hard to be feeling like you wish it would all end and you can’t do it anymore. If those thoughts are persisting, it might help to have a chat to someone about it. Please keep posting here for peer support or, if you need one on one support, please reach out to one of the following services:

SANE Support Centre: 1800 18 7263 (10am-10pm AEST) or online chat

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467 (24/7) or online chat

The Samaritans: 135 247 (8am-8pm AWST)

Lifeline: 131 114 (24/7) or online chat

Take care @Captain24 💙

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Remember your wins. You have completed a good 50+ hours in the last few days. That's a huge feat not many people could manage, let alone for someone who has other struggles to contend with.

I'm so impressed with your resilience. And remember what we spoke about the other day? MH has its ups and downs. It's okay not to be okay sometimes.

Also, I don't know enough about your situation, but do you think the demands of this job you are currently in is okay for you? Or would you consider looking at other options? 12 hr days are HUGE.

Whatever it is, I'm here to support you and see you through.

I'll check-in with you sometime later,

tyme

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

I can see my wins and there actually is a couple. I just can’t seem to let them in past the darkness. I don’t think that makes any sense. I keep trying to focus on them and bring them forward. 

I usually love my job. It’s fairly easy and the isolation doesn’t usually bother me. It also pays well and as I’m on my own I need it to pay my mortgage. 

I get that it’s ok not to be ok. I just seem to always be not ok lately. I have to odd up moment but it’s not very often either. I’m hoping that I start to get more ups soon. I don’t know how long I can keep going. 

I did try to call online today @Former-Member  but I didn’t have the strength to. I just can’t get passed being a failure by needing to call

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Yes, there are definitely wins but I hear that there seems to be just darkness at the moment.

Although your mind is telling you are a failure if you make a call, I know that it takes strength to reach out. If you have called in the past, has anyone told you you are a failure because you have phoned? SANE’s drop-in line is open to you and welcoming you. I’d encourage you to give yourself a chance - you are worth it. 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri 10am-10pm).

Sitting with you,

tyme

[Captain24]

I did try to call @tyme but didn’t  get through. 

[Christheart]

@Captain24 you are doing amazing!!! 

It is so, so, so hard to go to work during a mental illness flare up. It can be hard enough enough get out of bed let alone perform difficult tasks for hours and hours! 

The fact that you did 50 hours is amazing! 

Seriously I hope these days off provide you with some well needed rest. When we're ill we seem to have less energy, and simple things are exhausting. Get lots of sleep, indulge in lounging out with a movie or a book, take your pooch for a nice walk! 

I believe in you and I know you can get through this. One day at a time. No one knows how hard you try except you, so be proud of yourself. 

Sending love and prayers

Christheart

[Captain24]

Really really dark thoughts going on. Lots of bad childhood stuff coming up that I used to be able to push away but for some reason I can’t anymore. It’s just too hard. Going to bed and pray that it all goes away

[tyme]

My thoughts are with you @Captain24 . It is scientifically proven that the evenings are times our minds are more susceptible to 'dark' thoughts. So I guess what you are experiencing is quite normal?

Well, I know I used to find I struggled most at night, and hence I found it so difficult to unwind. The more I thought these thoughts through, the harder it was to go to sleep....and the vicious cycles continues.

Perhaps tomorrow, we can have a chat about what helped me in terms of having a wind down routine as well as what I'd do during the day to ensure I was tired in the evening.

For now, it's probably too much to take in, so maybe for tonight, it's just about holding on.

Remember, if you feel unsafe in anyway, there are crisis services available to you:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000 

As for not being able to get through to SANE counsellors, please don't let this discourage you. The fact that there's a battle to get through tells you it is worth it! Don't you think? 😉

Take care. Sitting with you,

tyme