I can’t cope

[Snowie]

She was part of an Aus Basketball team @Captain24 so she had her normal wheelchair but not her basketball one.

Hopefully by Friday night it is a little better hon. I can't see those truck seats being overly comfortable.

Glad you got some alone time whilst away. It certainly is needed. The dogs must have loved the beach too!

[Captain24]

Well then that’s a disappointment! To not even be worth it.  @Jynx 

I don’t think I’m ready to stop the risky stuff. I’m trying to do other things right. Trying to help myself in other ways. Like I’ve made the appointment with the Pdoc so I am allowing a future but I just can’t reduce the risky stuff. It’s like playing Russian roulette. It’s like whatever will be will be. 

I bounce my leg a lot. I’m actually sitting here bouncing it now. I’ve bought some fidget toys and squishies. Today I was using a spiky ring during my psych appointment. I have a weighted stuffed dinosaur coming in the next few days. Chains sound interesting! 

Now that the process has started I want to know and I want to know now. 

[Captain24]

Pix loves the water so she went straight into it. Jetts not much of a fan of the water but loves running on the sand. I did get him in though by bribing him with treats. The last day he got in knee deep on his own. @Snowie 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I know right? At least let me crash for something worth the trouble 🤣

If that's where you're at, then that's where you're at. You are working on other stuff!! I am the same, I can only really focus on one thing at a time. Like me at the moment, my priority has been building a more healthy daily routine (don't ask me about my dishes right now... LOL). However I had a flare up recently of some of my attachment trauma. So I've had to be very gentle and forgiving with myself for not being able to keep up with those daily habit building things and allow myself to just go into like introspection and hard core self-care mode. I think that's my main point here - if pushing yourself to make a change you're not ready for is igniting shame and pushing you into shut-down, then it's okay to ease off and come back to it later on. Just so long as safety and self-care is also built into the process wherever possible! Which you're also doing by talking about this stuff with your supports 😉

Oh oh I sooo want a wiehgted plushie!! And I love dinosaurs!! Where did you order from? 

[Snowie]

I think it's cool that they love the beach and have grown up around it @Captain24 

Also good that you can trust them being of the lead too. Takes a lot of teaching for that to happen.

Our nearest beach is about an hour away so never taken Izzy before.

[Captain24]

The risk taking makes me feel free. @Jynx. Sorry I let my mask off for a bit. I’ve probably said too much. I don’t want to get into trouble. 

My psych knows in detail, hence her concern. She did say that it’s stupid but it’s a stupid action, I’m not stupid. I have to rework my thoughts.

Im not sure what I need to work on. Just getting through day to day. If you could see my kitchen you wouldn’t be worried about the dishes! But I do have to clean the kitchen and main living area as mum and dad are coming for lunch tomorrow. 

I like that you are able to pump in some self care. (I’m sorry that you need to) I like that you know what you need right now and are able to do it. It inspires me. I hope that one day I may be able to do it too. 

It’s from My Sensory Space. It’s a hug-a-lump and it’s on special. It’s a pretty cute dinosaur.

 

[Captain24]

I let Pix off the leash. She is really good. Jett has to stay as he bites people and dogs. But it’s a 5 metre lead so he has some freedom. I can walk in the edge of the water and he will walk on the sand. @Snowie 

Mums dog goes crazy on the sand, she runs and jumps and just plays. But she hates the water! 

We travel 4 hours! We will go back in October. 

It maybe a day out for you and H to take Izzy. Something different. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 you're just talking about your experiences, you're okay. Mind if I chuck a spoiler tag in tho, I'm chucking one in here. 

TW: SH

Content/trigger warning

I can understand the reasoning hun, when I was self-harming, it felt like reclamation of freedom, of control. I was in so much pain, and it felt like the only way to control/overcome the pain was to do something even more extreme than how I felt. It also had a visible impact. I could literally see a change rather than it all being conceptual mental abstracts swirling around in my brain.

Once I sorta realised what the SH was supposed to accomplish it got a LOT easier to find other more healthy ways to create the same feeling.

Good luck with your cleaning!! I also have to wipe down kitchen, do bins, and tidy and vacuum loungeroom. So, accountability buddies again? If I know you're also doing it, it'll be easier to motivate myself!

You will!! It's all about practice. You're just practicing different stuff right now!! Do you know how long it took me to start being nice to myself? OMG. Haha you're fine darlin, you're on the path!

EEEE well I know what I'm doing after work! I mean... After cleaning after work! Yeah! 😋

[Captain24]

I deleted it @Jynx. No spoiler needed. 

This might need one though. I’ll delete when you’ve read it anyway. 

I should take a before and after photo for you! I will have mine done by 11 am. Or maybe I should do it now??? I do have to get my dirty undies and bra off the middle of the living room floor for the third time today! I should learn to not leave my dirty washing on my bedroom floor! 

Oh.. she made me say nice stuff to myself today. It was a waste of time. It went in one ear and out the other. It feels so wrong. Like I’m lying to myself. It feels dirty. I don’t know how else to describe it.

Its cute… they have a cat one! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 whatever helps you feel safe here hun 😉

Ach, I see what you mean, and I can relate to that too. I had this narrative stuck in my brain that 'nothing truly bad has happened to me so my mental illness is invalid'. So I used to do very silly things... I won't name any but it was like you, not SH necessarily but risk-taking behaviours. I actually did it way more than the SH to be honest. Same sorta thing, I just did not care what happened to me one jot. 

---

@Captain24 wrote:

Oh.. she made me say nice stuff to myself today. It was a waste of time. It went in one ear and out the other. It feels so wrong. Like I’m lying to myself. It feels dirty. I don’t know how else to describe it.

---

I think it's related to this actually. Well it was for me. As in, it felt dirty because it was so in conflict with my internal sense of self. I took risks because I was filled to the brim with self-loathing. I rejected compliments, hated trying to say nice things about myself, and was reckless with my choices because I thought I deserved all the badness for being such a horrible burden to the world. 

It does feel dirty - at first. Actually caring about oneself can feel impossibly out of reach.... but our brains do actually want us to be happy. The tricky part is helping our funky little systems figure out exactly how to do so, and how to let go of the things that are holding us back. 

Hahaha you got bras, I got... other things 😏

Bahaha so I may photograph kitchen but that's all or I might get in trouble!! Teehee 😝