I can’t cope

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , so glad to see you online, even if it's just a tag. I'm here if you want company.

Guess what? I took Ruby for a walk yesterday, and this dog kept running after her, trying to bite her. I picked Ruby up, and the dog kept jumping up to get Ruby. She was petrified, and so was I. I stuck my elbow in the way or the dog would've got Ruby. The dog nearly got my arm!

Anyway, hugs to you. Hope you are okay.

[Captain24]

I thought I should pop on incase you guys were worried @tyme. I’m not ok

Poor Ruby. What kinda dog was it? I had that happen to me at a dog park. I picked up mums dog and a husky was trying to bite her and bit me. Meanwhile my dog was jumping up and down at my legs scared but I couldn’t pick her up. Border collie guy (we don’t know his name he just had border collies!) to husky guy to call his dog off. Husky guy said that because I had Misha in my arms the husky thought it was prey. 

How are your shingles? How was your break?

[tyme]

Thanks for popping in @Captain24 . I'm here if you want a chat - if you think it will help. No pressure though. I just want you to know that I'm here.

To be honest, there's no excuse. Those dog owners need to be in control of their dogs - anything can be seen as 'prey'. This dog yesterday looked like a bindle staffy. It was about the same size as Ruby, but a lot stockier. What a nightmare.

I still haven't fully recovered from shingles, and I ended up developing another infection on top of that so I'm on very strong antibiotics every few hours. I passed out twice and hit my face and back when I fell so I've got bruises everywhere. 

Besides that, I'm feeling well. I can't say I've had a 'rest' though. I won't be working again this week though. I've still got way too many hours to use up.

[Captain24]

Thanks @tyme. I've got a lot to say but can’t say on here. I don’t know if you know how bad it is. 

I wish I had your ‘keep going’ spirit. I am honestly in awe of you. I don’t know how you do it

They say Staffies are great dogs but one actually attacked Keiko and mum had to take her to the vet. 

Have you walked Ruby since? If not you have to and around other dogs so she doesn’t retain the fear. 

You’re really having a run of bad luck aren’t you? The falls don’t sound good. I hope you are ok. 

Mum dropped the dogs off last night and said to me ‘you need to do something about that dog’ with attitude. I asked her what he has done this time. Turns out he just sits and trembles in the backyard if they take him out to the toilet. I said I can’t help with that because he is hustling fine here. They must have yelled at him that much that he is scared! I told them tonight to let him do whatever he wants outside and not yell at him. If he doesn’t go to the toilet then so be it. I gave them his favourite treats to give him tomorrow night when they try and take him out. Mum said if he doesn't go to the toilet then he can’t have a treat. I said to give him in so he isn’t as scared. Poor little Jett, he really is a sweet boy and doesn’t deserve this. Apparently he was a bit better today so they must have stopped yelling at him. 

Also they may be changing the work roster. It turns out that the vote to discuss the change was voted as a yes. Mum doesn’t want to new roster so I’m scared to tell her that it’s starting to look like it’ll go through. 

I had my psych appointment on Tuesday and cried all the way through it. I was so ashamed. I have never done that in an appointment before. She did point out progress through. So when I was chatting to a friend online Friday night I pointed out the positive in her spirally mess. So I guess that’s more progress that I can see it where it needs to be seen. 

Also I had a guy be an arsehole to me in the last nightshift last block and I stood up for my needs (apparently progress) it didn’t work and I had to do it anyway. He won’t go out of his way for anyone. The less he can do the better. But yesterday I reworded the bosses words and made it look like I was doing a favour in the bosses eyes and stitched him up! It was really clever and well done. I did allow myself to be a little proud. @Jynx I just wanted you to see what I did. 

Sorry… that was long winded. 

[tyme]

No No @Captain24 , not long winded at all. 

Thank you for taking the time to respond and share your insights. It is very helpful.

You made a really good point about needing to take Ruby out. The incident happened last night at about 6pm, and I didn't take Rubby out today. So I'll take her tomorrow. I don't want her to develop anxiety.

So yeah, I think I really am having a streak of bad luck lol. Does that mean a streak of good luck will follow?  Then again, I can't be greedy, because I feel that my life since treading upwards has been a good streak overall. I honestly can't believe how unwell I was in the past - as though my brain was not my brain. 

As for poor Jett. I just want to give him a hug. If he's stiff scared, it means something is MAKING him scared! Poor thing. I get too attached to animals. I'm already getting too attached to Ruby! I said I didn't want to get attached, but I am. That's the power of dogs/pets/animals.

And the point your psych made about making progress, I can really share the same sentiment. As hard as things are for you at the moment, I can see change. I can see growth. It's not that you are STUCK in this one place and not moving. It seems you are moving back and forth here and there at the moment, and sooner or later, it will be up up and away!

Your experiences are, and will be, invaluable to those who come after you. Unless someone has 'suffered', they cannot comprehend what 'suffering' is.  Hope this makes sense.

And with work, good on you for being assertive! Approx how many people work there? 

What does the change in roster look like? How different is it to what you have now with your on/off blocks?

[Captain24]

It did just get some of the surface level stuff off my chest without it going to deep. @tyme 

Yeah she needs to know walks are fun and mostly safe. She is too little to have anxiety from it. Pix is only just coming around to black dogs from an incident 5.5 years ago. 

Im sure you’ll find your lucky streak again. You are sounding a lot better than you were. You can hear the improvement in your posts. It’s good to see that you are in awe of yourself! 

I hugged him last night when I realised the extent of it. My heart hurts when they hurt. The poor thing has so much personality and doesn’t deserved it. My attachment is shocking . They are my everything. So much for saying you would keep your distance! 😜 

I can see the progress but I don’t feel it. Things are pretty dark right now so it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere. I noticed it the most when msging my friend. I met her in hospital. She can see the changes in me since getting my psych. I point them out in her not myself. 

The suffering makes complete sense. 

My actual crew is about 70 people. Just the open cut crews is around 280. The entire complex well over 1000. 

So instead of doing some day shifts and some nightshifts in a block like I do now. It’s all day shifts one block and all nightshifts the next block. That will make 5 nightshifts in a row at times. 

We had to do a lot of our online procedures and training in the last 2 days. We had to do one on healthy mindset. It was really rough. Telling you that if you just changed to have a positive mindset you would be good. It went on and on about it and the habit staking will help with motivation. It was totally not done by a professional at all. When I started it I said that I didn’t want to finish it as it wasn’t a professional bug they made me. They don’t understand what it did to me. 

[rav3n]

hi there @Captain24 hope it's okay for me to pop into your space here? (if not, please let me know!!)

sorry to hear that you're not feeling okay at the moment, did you wanna chat about it? i'm here to listen and sit with ya 💙

[Captain24]

Thanks @rav3n 

Ive just gotten to work so I have to put my phone away. 

It’s just a hard right now. Even driving here was a challenge. The things I thought of. The things I wanted to do. I can’t keep going on like this. 

Im sorry. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 you never have to apologise for the way you feel. i am sorry that you've had to deal with those overwhelming thoughts/feelings, i can see how extremely exhausting it is. 

i am glad you made it to work safe despite how challenging that must've been. when are you seeing your psych next? i wonder if it's possible to chat to her soon, especially if it's impacting your safety. please do take breaks whenever you need.

sitting with you 💙