My Mosaic

[Emelia8]

Sitting with you @Bow 🙏😢💝

[Jynx]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by that @Bow. 

I'm sorry that they have not been helpful, that is very frustrating. I am sitting with you for now, but I will be signing off for the night soon. 

Do you have something to look forward to, or something to help you shift your focus? Like if you and your D had something nice planned for tomorrow, or you could surprise her with something in the morning. Or you could maybe float over to one of the social spaces and see if it helps to think of lighter things. 

I trust in your ability to know if you are heading into a crisis and may need to think about hospital. For now, give yourself permission to just breathe and be in this moment. 

[Eve7]

Sending lots of love to you this morning @Bow 

Hope today is better 💚💛💚

[Bow]

thank you kindly @Eve7 

so far today has been managable. I went to bed last night with a slight migraine... i had hoped i would wake up with it still there this morning so that i could hide in bed all day. But i didnt. I got up and went for my walk, did the groceries- I am the designated shopper in the house and at the moment its a good excuse to get out of the house. Not sure what the rest of the day will hold.

how are you doing today?

[Eve7]

I’m doing ok @Bow working from home but just ducked up to Aldi for some milk and salad stuff.

I’m glad you’ve ticked a few boxes this morning. Well done!

Hope your day continues well 💜

[Bow]

Glad you are doing ok @Eve7  salad for lunch? Sounds nice. I had my usual ham and cheese sandwich with some yoghurt. I've been having the same thing for weeks. It's safe and predictable. And feel panicked at the thought of having to have something different. Same with breakfast. My dietitian asked me to mix it up a little bit... some other meat, I will occasionally have something different, but then that makes lunch difficult. 

I chatted with a sane counsellor earlier, was feeling a bit rattled by something that happened over the weekend. Was struggling with the fact that my dietitian showed so much kindness and compassion towards me when all I wanted her to show me was disappointment. I sent me into a bit... no a bit spiral. Saturday night was not good. But worked out that kindness and compassion is a bit of a trigger for me. It's doesn't align with the narrative of what I believe for myself, that I don't deserve kindness and compassion. Something to talk with my psych about I guess. 

hope you manage to get your work done x

[Bow]

Screw you covid. Always f#*%ing things up. My new psychologist is a close contact so my appointment today is over the phone. I bl##dy hate phone appointments, they are useless. And I had psyched myself up all week for this blind weigh in and now it's not even happening. I'm angry. I'm upset. I feel so incredibly hopeless. 

[Eve7]

Hugs @Bow 

🤗 🤗💙🤗🤗

[pamplemousse]

@Bow That is incredibly frustrating, it's hard having such a let down, especially when you've psyched yourself up for the weigh in. 

Remember, you have our support here. We're sitting with you 

[Bow]

my psychologist managed to quickly set up a video link for our appointment this morning, so slightly better than just a phone call. but i feel so hopeless and lousy after my appointment. 

i think today was the first appointment with a psychologist where we solely focused on my eating disorder. it felt intense and overwhelming. i am so thankful that i use the recovery record app, which allows my therapist access to what i am eating, what behaviours i am engaging in and my thoughts around it all. she is really clued into eating disorders and quized me on alot of things. 

she is concerned about the amount of exercise that i am doing and how little (even though i am eating at every meal) i am eating and that it could be contributing to my low mood and tiredness. she wants my bloods done every 2-3 weeks to monitor things. 

i felt like i dug deeper today, more than i have with any other therapist with my eating disorder and now i feel raw and vulnerable and tethering on the edge and ready to jump. she said this is not going to be a quick fix..... just what i needed to hear. how can i do this???? im so bl00dy tired. exhausted. im so sorry to do this.