Lived Experience Forum

[HarryG]

I've been fighting depression for most of my life, I've nearly lost the battle several times.

It all started with a father who ridiculed me, verbally abused me and who was very cold and unapproachable.

This all led me to be overweight and very withdrawn for most of my life.

My first marriage was a dismal failure, full of abuse and threats, from her and her family. When she finally walked out, after 21 years, I had a breakdown.

After years of put downs and abuse I was left feeling useless, ugly and believing all the horrible things that were drummed into me for years.

I met a beautiful girl, now my wife, who helped me to be a better person. I got hypnotherapy to fix some of my problems but throughout all this the depression and self harm continued.

Now that I'm in my 50s the depression is still a huge part of my everyday struggle and so is my imposter syndrome.

Feeling like my wife is going to leave me, everyday, and that I'm going to be fired, everyday, definitely contributes to my neverending depression.

I've realised that once you suffer from depression that you never get away from it. Some days it's only 1 or 2 out of 10 but it's never 0.

The self doubt is always there too, it's never 0, but quite often 15 to 20 out of 10.

One day I'd like to find a way to keep it down but I haven't found it, yet.

I'd like to hear from others, with similar histories, who have found their path so that I might try it too.

[tyme]

Hey @HarryG ,

I'm hearing you. It sounds like life has taken you on a bit of a ride. As much as your first marriage didn't work out, I hear your now wife has helped you become a better person.

I'm sorry about the insecurities developed from what you experienced early in life.

Do you think anxiety plays a part with what you are experiencing in terms of fearing you will get fired or your wife with leave?

Honestly speaking, I was in a terrible place with my depression. For years I withdrew from the world and hid. This was over 10 years of major depression. I was on the maximum dose of anti-depressants, was recommended TMS and ECT, and life really fell apart for me.

Good news, things are so much better. I think through therapy, engagement and hard work, I can say that I'm in a good place.

I hope things get better for you.

I'll also send you an email shortly.

[Tilz]

@HarryG  thank you for sharing. I don't have a similar to say but I'm sure you will find out a way from the ones here. Holding hands with you. Always there to listen😁

[oceangirl]

@HarryG I'm hearing you. And thank you for sharing your story and experience. I can relate to how you feel and your depression. 

I'm sorry you developed insecurities from your childhood and the impact that has had on you. And also, how you were treated from your partner and in-laws. You deserved so much more. 

You have many great qualities, and it shines through in the way you express yourself.  Do you have support from a psychologist or GP or specialist? How is your health? Stress levels? I find myself, when I am stressed, I tend to be more inclined to be critical of myself/ self-doubt- you might be different though. 

Over time, what has helped me- is learning to be my own best friend. It has helped me built my confidence and self-esteem. Another strategy I have learnt- when you start to overthink/worry etc- is to allocate a set time/day to worry- it may start at twice a day or once a day and slowly manage it that way. And then you might find that you actually start to worry less. 

Have you done any reading on anxiety and relationship and different attachment styles? It might be helpful to understand more about yourself and this topic. I would encourage to explore what works for you and start taking action. Thus, reducing your anxiety and you may find that you are able to enjoy your relationship more. You're stronger than you think you are. 

I hope you find this helpful, and I am still on the journey but slowly getting some traction. Be kind and take more adventures- it makes you feel connected and brings joy. Keep moving forward champ !

[oceangirl]

@HarryG 

Relationship Anxiety: 16 Signs and Tips (healthline.com)

An article for you to look at. Hope the information is useful. 

[Jenn7]

Hey HarryG  I hear you man. Idnt the brain a powerful organ, it can make us see things, or perceive things that aren't maybe there or are all from a negative view. It's so debilitating, I can get so down into the abyss, that I think my life is useless and I matter to none. It's scary how close you get to wanting not to be here any more.  It's so real and explainable why you are feeling like that, but it's all false, your wires are haywire. I've been on antidepressants since having my kids, due to post natal depression, and tried a couple of times to get off them. By the 2nd day I am in to a full blown depression, crying not wanting to be here. It's incredible what those little pills do for me. I actually can feel a little normal. Sometimes pills are what you need, like a diabetic needs insulin we need something too, and there's no shame or anybody's opinion you need to listen to. You don't want to live like that for the rest of your life. Maybe antidepressants would help, doesnt cure you, but can put a smile on your face. Anyway of course they aren't foreveryone, I just hope that you feel better and find what's best for you. My heart goes out to you, but hold tight, the first hurdle was realising you had it.  

Love to you HarryG