Lived Experience Forum

[kuromi11]

How I'm feeling right now. I've been dating my partner for a little over a year. It started off amazing and healthy. I thought I was alright as I had done a lot of work on my self esteem; but it seems it wasn't enough. Just silly little things I bring up when I'm having a trauma response to something; it happens too often and he tells me it's not fair on him to have to reassure me all the time. He's right. I feel like I need him to say specific things to reassure me. The problem is myself. He is amazing; kind, patient, doesn't give up on me, deals with my shit and loves me so unconditionally. Due to an array of things that just keep presenting themselves (where I have anxiety outbursts), he recently said "I can't do this anymore", and we nearly broke up. I don't want to loose him due to my own silly brain. We are waiting a few days, no talking, to make a decision on our own about whether or not we should continue our relationship together. Waiting is so hard; I think I know that I want to keep trying, but I don't know what's good for me, or for him. It would for sure be easier to run away from the connection, to work on these thing's that have presented themselves on my own without the pressure to be better also for someone else, but I love him so much and he's so good to me. I don't want anyone else. I wish I could pause time, fix myself and return to him. I don't think breaking up and getting back together in the future is an option; and it wouldn't be fair of me to ask him to wait for me. Is it fair of me to even ask him to stay and keep hopeful that I'll get better when it's exhausting him? Selfishly, I hope that he chooses to continue to love me, to be with me through this as long as I promise to try my very absolute best. But really, I just want him to make the right decision for himself. If he chooses to leave, I will be so heartbroken; but I am also worried I will spend a long time beating myself up over not finding help sooner, about not trying harder to be better. I know internally my biggest thing is that I need to heal my core belief of myself. Deep deep down, I feel I am just bad and undeserving and due to that I find myself struggling to trust myself or anyone else, always on edge, always waiting on standby in defensive mode, always anticipating the next disaster. I need to learn that it is okay to feel safe. I wish someone could just tell me what the right thing to do is in this situation, but it's not up to anyone else to decide if I should stay or leave. I guess this is just a rant about my experience. I don't know if I have C/PTSD or not. I have never been able to afford assessments for these things; but I've done a lot of research in my own time to try and find ways to heal and cope with whatever symptoms I have; and this just seems like one of the closest I have gotten to. (I also have undiagnosed ADHD as told by a psychiatrist). I guess I'd just like to know if anyone else experiences this? I feel so alone a lot of the time, like nobody understands what it's like to be inside my brain

[Ainjoule]

Hey @kuromi11 ,

Welcome to the forums. It sounds like the two of you have an amazing connection. The fact that overall you want the best for him, whether that is you or some time apart is admirable. It's not easy to learn the skills to be in a healthy relationship is it, but it sounds like you have a lot of insight and know the areas that you need to work on. Good on your for coming to the forums to vent and get it out.  

[MJG017]

@kuromi11I can identify with some of the stuff you mentioned.  I too beat myself up a lot for not getting help far far earlier.  Fortunately, for me, it's not causing your sorts of relationship problems, but I do know it's hard to have a partner and feel like you could do a lot better with what goes on inside our heads.

I have an appointment today about seeing a counselor to deal with my issues about not allowing anyone too close to me, rejection and attachment issues etc.  I asked my partner if she wouldn't mind attending a session or two so that we both know some of the reasons why I think and act the ways I do.  I think this will help both of us to work on my issues together.  I don't think I can do it myself, especially if she doesn't really understand why I am the way I am. So I think communication is the key.

I can't imagine ow difficult it was to hear he "can't do this anymore".  Hopefully he just needs a little time and will be willing to work with you.  These issues can take a lot of time and work to significantly improve.  So don't be too hard on yourself about being able to change so quickly.  As for trying to work on them before, that's easy to say now, but we need to be ready to seek and accept help and I think that takes time, and possibly something happening that makes us realise now is the time.  As harsh as it sounds, if he's not willing to work with you in the long term, maybe being with him is doing more harm that good.  I really hope that's not the case and you can sort things out together.

[kuromi11]

@MJG017 Thankyou so much for your thoughtful response, I really appreciate your perspective and understanding of my situation. I hope all goes well with your counselling sessions, it sounds like you're making the right moves for yourself also

[kuromi11]

@Ainjoule Thanks so much for the support! I really appreciate your kind words

[Anxious_Godess]

hello beautiful soul, 

you are most certainly not alone in the way you feel, analyse and process things. I can relate in this same way and level of introspection. Your deep sense of reflection and navigation of why certain situations arise, where this core wounds come from and holding perspectives as well for others involved is highly emotionally intelligent. 

You being aware of all your "shortcomings" like these 'anxiety attacks' is such a huge step in itself. You know you have core beliefs to address. You should be incredibly proud of how far you have come just with your own self-study. 

nobody is perfect and life is a constant journey of discovering...

the very things that are beginning to exhaust your partner is not because you're a bad person or anything of the sort. actually, from your post I can tell you are a very sensitive and self-aware person. You consider how you are behaving and its effect on others. Unfortunately, as much as we want somebody else to save us though, no one can truly save us but ourselves. This is an ongoing process I am working through too. You can get as much validation as you like from something outside of you but until its cultivated truly within then you'll always be left feeling unworthy and not good enough which can project out-especially in romantic relationships. 

We can also only do so much healing on our own. Relationships are beautiful mirrors that can reflect back to you areas that still need healing. which you are definitely aware of. 

While I understand it would be heart breaking if your boyfriend decides to walk away but remember that what's truly for you will never pass you. And there are blessings/lessons to learn from every situation. 

At this point in time you have been doing your best with the knowledge you have. It can feel like a lot of pressure to have to heal "for someone else" on top of yourself but changing the perspective and seeing it as an act of Love for your partner (and most importantly yourself) and the relationship may take some of the weight off. But also, healing is a non-linear journey, and you cannot put this immense pressure on yourself to "be the best version of yourself now". You are a constant discovery. 

whatever, plays out is what is meant to be. If you're committed to healing these wounds and being there for you then you will always be okay in the end no matter what. also remember to make a decision that is right for YOU.

Also I don't know if you like Podcasts but there is a podcast called 'Back from the Boarderline' she has an amazing 8-part series on there around 'shame'. It delves into this self internalised idea of shame and believing that we're a bad person and where this deep wound comes from. There's alot of great things on there that may benefit you 😌

wishing you all the best though, sweet soul. Know that you are not alone. I know how hard it can be being caught up inside your own mind. Take care

[tyme]

Thank you for sharing @Anxious_Godess .

I've really appreciated reading your response in this thread.

Thank you.

[kuromi11]

@Anxious_Godess 

This is so beautiful, thankyou so much for writing all that. I really appreciate the support and it is really lovely to know that people understand how I feel. 

You gave me the advice I'd probably give others; especially the part about "what's truly for you will never pass you". It's hard to take my own advice in this situation but it's different hearing this perspective from someone else. 

Self work is so hard, and I know I have such a long long journey ahead of me. I am exhausted even thinking about it; but I know I just have to take my time and hold compassion for my wounds, even though it's so difficult to do most of the time.

It's hard because I feel like with all my anxiety outbursts, it may have ruined the beautiful relationship I have with him. I hope there's a way I can improve and we can eventually move past it (if he decides to stay). I'm doing my best at trying to keep my head during this time, and I really think finding Sane has been the best thing I've done for myself in a long time.

I don't listen to Podcasts a lot but it is something I've more recently been getting into. I appreciate the Podcast suggestion and I'll definitely give it a listen, I'm sure there'll be some things I can take away from it. Thankyou so much for all your kind words, lots of love to you

[tyme]

How are you @kuromi11 @Anxious_Godess @MJG017 @Ainjoule  , great to hear from you 🙂