Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@Jynx my psych is expensive with the gap fees, it’s too expensive to pay privately. I thought I would wait, May is only a month away, but it sucks to wait.

My brain tries so hard to fit in but ultimately I never can. It’s hard to let go of these internalised social rules. No wonder why my ASD was under the radar for so long. I knew I had ADHD symptoms for a while, but I guess I never wanted to accept it and I felt like I was too high functioning. Maybe I did not perform at my true potential at uni, but I got by. Difficulty concentrating is pretty obvious, hyperactivity not so much. I do fidget constantly, I can’t sit still 😂. I was a hyperactive child and I would run around and refused to take naps. Maybe that child is somewhere inside me.

Self acceptance is hard. I think sometimes ND push themselves too hard and don’t think having limitations is okay. I know I do need to learn to accept my limitations and not feel so guilty about it

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yeah it's a constant slog, untangling from these narratives that are inherently rife with shame and stigma. But we definitely do find places to fit in - often with all the other folks who don't fit in! Oddballs are the best 😊

That child is totally still inside you!! Whenever you frolic, get joy from simple pleasures, or do silly things to make yourself happy, that's your inner child out to play 😉 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I do vibe well with the oddballs!

I was something as a small child. I used to behave differently around other people. I would became really shy and quiet around people who were not my family. I do miss being a child, life was easier, I think a lot of us lose that playfulness. That playfulness is not so far, we all have an inner child

[Jynx]

@creative_writer see I don't think we lose it at all, I think it's squashed out of us!! We're surrounded by this idea that to behave in a childish manner is 'immature' and a sign of weakness or something. But realistically, suppressing the silly is really bad for us! 

One of my fav quotes: 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx i do think we all should embrace the playful side of ourselves. It doesn’t make us immature, it makes us human.

I think a part of me grieved the lost inner child. Sometimes trauma makes us grow up faster. I sometimes acted like a mini adult when I was young. Everyone thought I was so well behaved and mature

[Jynx]

@creative_writer precisely!!! You get it!! 

Hmm maybe then part of your inner child work could be to let loose and do all the stuff that young you felt she couldn't do cos of it being childish!! 

Good excuse to go be a big pile of silly 😋

I best be off hun, hope you find yourself embracing some inner silly tomorrow!! Teehee night night 💜

[creative_writer]

@Jynx it is definitely a good excuse to behave like a child. I hope you slept well last night 💓, I fell asleep early and slept a lot. I may have slept too much. 

I have this hollow feeling and I don't know why. I'm too tired and too apathetic to feel motivated to do anything. I don't have it in me 

[Jynx]

Noooo not the oversleep!

Could be just an 'empty gas tank' @creative_writer?

What you been up to today?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx the oversleep is never good for depression. Once I slept like 14 hours because I was sleep deprived from mania and became depressed. Depression can cause sleep quantity to increase. Winter is also on the way.

I spent the morning frustrated, barely able to maintain more concentration for a few minutes. I watched TV while scrolling on my phone, I tried to read but couldn’t get far. I just took a shower, and now my scalp is dry, probably the weather changing.

I am like really frustrated and cranky and I don’t even know why. This anger is very overwhelming. I don’t even know why I’m angry

[Jynx]

@creative_writer usually anger tends to be a) a response to another painful emotion like pain or hurt and b) a motivator towards something that we hope will fulfill an unmet need. That's how I conceptualise it anyway. 

Stuff like sensory overwhelm, that builds really slowly, is an unmet need (bodily rest) that can result in quite explosive anger for me, and often I don't even realise it's happening till it's too late. Could be something like that? Or does this feel different-y?