Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@Jynx mania can amplify impulsivity. I am already tempted to spend $100 plus on perfume that I don’t need. I have also bought other things recently too. Mania isn’t good for the wallet. I don’t think ADHD is either. Sometimes I don’t know which is which.

It’s definitely more normalised, but I may need to sleep tonight to ease the symptoms further. I’m wearing my red glasses now just to make sure I sleep okay. I know it’s early, but they do say dark therapy may help

[Jynx]

@creative_writer lol have I made my 'half-joking' claim to you about the fact that I think the entire DSM should be thrown out and replaced with a manual on "Differing ways the brain responds to trauma"? 

Honestly there's a part of me that wonders how helpful it is for us to go ahead and ensure every single one of our behaviours falls into one category or the other. 

But I digress, cos the main point is that what you're facing is super challenging!! Regardless of the instigating factors/cause, it's still gotta be scary!! 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I reckon the body sometimes stores emotions and it can come across as mood changes, affect attention and hyperactivity. Hyperactivity is probably the sympathetic nervous system being activated.

I hate when people do try to fit you into a box. Some people think ASD needs to present in a certain way (hence why I was diagnosed late). People on the spectrum do feel emotions and feel empathy. Neurodivergence and mental illness presents differently in different people.

It is uncomfortable feeling restless, but it’s definitely better than yesterday. Though I don’t know if I can resist the splurge 😂

[tyme]

Never heard of having matcha and saffron. How do you drink your matcha? With milk? @creative_writer 

[Jynx]

@creative_writer yep totally, that's the whole shebang of 'the body keeps the score' ay, the ways we can store emotions in the body!! 

Ugh tell me about it!! The imposter syndrome is so real, like I wanna seek my ASD diagnosis and even though I reckon it'll be fine, there's that part of me like 'what if I get some stigmatising poophead who wants to tell me that since I'm not like, obsessed with trains, I must be NT. 

omg you can do it!! RESIST!! Quick, find another source of dopamine.... ummmm ice cream! No wait, a hot choccie cos it's cold lol

[creative_writer]

@tyme matcha has l’theanine and caffeine which people with ADHD might find helpful. Saffron has some research in its ability to improve mental health and ADHD symptoms. There isn’t a huge lot of research into herbs, but I do think they make a difference. The key is to not overdo it. Though neither of them are magical solutions, but it helps if something is able to take the edge off.

@Jynx I once read a client venting online over a psychiatrist who thoughts that they were too emotional to have ASD. It’s ridiculous. That’s when people end up getting misdiagnosed and not getting the right support.

I feel like I’m going to give in eventually. I’m too obsessed with perfumes. Though I’m bad with this stuff, I can never accurately predict when my stuff (perfumes, skincare, makeup, Haircare etc) is going to run out. I end up buying things a bit early. Free stuff and sales make me jump

[Jynx]

@creative_writer it's fully like that hey, like the whole 'Oh but you can make eye contact!' thing! 

Literally only in recent years have I actually kinda allowed myself to let my eyes go where they wanna, and wouldn't you know it, I DO find eye contact super uncomfortable!! Turns out I didn't even realise I was masking 😣🙃😅

Like imagine if I'd gone in for diagnosis years ago, with my well-trained eye contact and like, not just openly carrying stim toys with me everywhere 🤔 What's the bet I would've been told I was just anxious or some crap...

Like DUH of course I'm anxious when I'm literally forcing myself to perform 'normal' to you!  

omg same lol I literally have like 3 tubes of toothpaste atm but continuously forgetting to buy more soap 🤣

Do you need me to tell you off for browsing online shops when you're trying to manage mania 😝

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I make eye contact because it’s expected, it’s become automatic. I probably mask without realising at this point.

I do get self conscious and anxious about appearing normal. Though my fidgeting is probably more obvious than I thought it was. My mum can tell I sometimes get impatient and want to interrupt (because I don’t want to forget what I am about to say). Though u try not to interrupt people when I’m in public.

I feel like sometimes I have a better feel over non-essential items than essential. I have forgotten to get meds that were going to run out soon or ran out. Yet I happen to buy a mascara months before I need it.

People seem to think mania is fun. It can feel that way. But sometimes one can end up irritable and angry. Maybe it’s not purely mania, maybe some depression mixed in. I knew something was wrong when the fleeting thoughts started. But those thoughts are more in control now. I also was flashbacky yesterday. What bothers me is why does being open about mental health and trauma affect one’s reputation and the reputation of their family in some communities?

I spoke to someone from the same cultural background as me on placement, and she was blamed and shunned by her community for trying to talk about FV she experienced from her husband

[Jynx]

@creative_writer at some point I feel like we should both do our homework and read this book 🤣

Like a mixed episode maybe? My friend used to tell me she reckoned those were the most dangerous, cos she had the ideation from the depression, plus more motivation to act on it from the hypomania.... Do you have a safety plan/episode or mood tracker that has your indicators for like, oh hey these are my warning signs for heading towards crisis? Might be worth revisiting, even if you're not worried about your safety right now. 

Stigma, unfortunately, is still gonna remain as long as people continue to fear the so-called 'mentally ill' instead of listening to the inherent wisdom of lived experience. You know what I see when I look around at this community? Certainly not illness. Not 'crazy'.

No. I see strength, I see hope, I see shared pain becoming less, I see people connecting to each others' inner children, and I see people who are on the very edge of their own sanity, still taking the time to support someone else who is falling off theirs. 

Sounds like a potential kindred spirit? Are you still in contact? 

One of the lessons I learned as a queer person - if your community shuns you, you find all the other ones been shunned and you make a new community with them! Found family is so important to me, both in concept and in my relationships! You will find yours one day too 🤞

[creative_writer]

@Jynx mixed episodes are the worst. It’s when I’m the most at risk. I’ve had bad enough ones where I seriously considered suicide. I’m not suicidal right now, I was before when it was a bit more intense. That’s what I meant by fleeting throughts.

I’m not in contact with that individual. She was a client, we just spoke on the phone, I had to complete an intake assessment for her to access therapy sessions. It was a tricky situation for her with child protection also being involved. I’m not even sure if I got the full extent of her story, she had kids around when she was speaking on the phone.

I haven’t been able to find many people shunned in my own personal life. I’ve spoken to people who have also struggled with mental health, but I sort of end up feeling the most emotionally intense. It’s one thing to have a stressful patch and another to struggle with complex mental health chronically. Going on holidays will not take away my mental illness nor will staying busy