Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow it’s been rough lately, and I’m struggling to see a way out. I have my psych appointment on Wednesday. I am also contemplating whether I should move my psychiatrist appointment earlier since med tolerance may also be playing a role, it’s just hard for me to make the call. Bipolar can feed cptsd and vice versa.

I think for tonight prayer, grounding and warm bed may help me feel safer. Feeling fully safe may not be realistic for now

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writerI hear you, thank you for sharing this with me. I am really glad to know that you have support lined up for this week, and seeing your psychiatrist earlier should be very helpful too. What would help you to make this call? 

That sounds like a very nourishing trio, and as we touched on earlier, if those things help you to feel even 1% safer, then that is progress. 💖

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I can be stubborn sometimes. I know he would be more than happy to see me sooner, maybe it comes down to the fear of being needy. I know it’s not helpful for when I need support. Maybe I put too many expectations on myself for having it all together. I have a tendency towards hyper-independence.

It is true if I feel even a bit safer, it’s progress. Taking back that safety can be hard with trauma, but I suppose we can only try to lessen the anxiety

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writer I understand this. 💗

I would love to keep chatting, but I have to go for now. I will be back tomorrow, and I look forward to checking in then, okay? 🤗

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow  I hope you were able to sleep well tonight. I’m feeling less agitated, but sort of down and exhausted today. I haven’t been up to much, I took a shower earlier today, watched some TV, and connected myself spiritually. I’ve also scanned new referrals for my psychologist and psychiatrist and emailed them, I was putting that off, I’m not even sure why. I am struggling with motivation today and haven’t picked up the phone for an earlier psychiatrist appointment, I hate admitting I need help. I’ll tell myself I don’t need another appointment and I’m okay. A part of me is in denial. I know SI isn’t a good sign, I have been getting thoughts regularly again. I’m safe for now

[creative_writer]

When I say the agitation has settled, it comes back 😬

[creative_writer]

I am amazed how creative my mind can be for the wrong things

[creative_writer]

I am too ashamed to say what I was in the process of doing but couldn’t complete. I didn’t do it, but I was getting close. I don’t even know why I started the process if I wasn’t going to finish it. I’m very confused

[rav3n]

hey @creative_writer i'm so sorry that the overwhelm has been so strong lately. the shame spiral can automatically kick in when we do some not so healthy things to cope, but please know that it's okay and you deserve compassion. i'm so very glad you're here and it must've taken a lot of strength to stop and reach out instead. sending you lots of love 💗

is there something kind you can do for yourself tonight? you absolutely deserve it. are you seeing your psych any time soon?

[creative_writer]

@rav3n I'm not even sure what I am supposed to tell my psych on Wednesday.

Content/trigger warning

Am I supposed to say I was in the process of taking my life tonight, but I couldn't do it?

I am currently listening to music. I tried to distract myself by reading, but I can't seem to pay attention for long