Don’t want to accept the pain

[creative_writer]

@rav3n feeling pretty flat out right now with a heavy head. I’m still depressed but the agitation has settled.

I’ve been able to get a psychiatrist appointment on the 23rd instead of 27th (it’s the soonest I could get). I have my psychologist appointment tomorrow. Though I’m dreading letting them know what happened yesterday.

At this point I don’t see a way out of this yet. Maybe it’ll get easier with time. I feel like I’m losing my sanity and my brain is too clogged up to function. Paying attention is harder, doing things is hard even though I have stuff that needs to be done

[AuntGlow]

Good afternoon @creative_writer, 

I am glad to hear you're feeling a bit better today. What do you think has helped?

It's great to see you show an interest in somatics! I am a big fan, mainly of embodied dance meditations. What do you know about somatic practices so far? 💗

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I had PRN last night and I’ve been taking it easy today. I’ve been doing regular self care stuff. I got my saffron today through the mail, I’ve had a bit of that in my matcha today. I was out of saffron for a week, it kind of helps me feel more relaxed and focused.

I know a bit about somatics. I know there is a strong mind body connection, breathing and grounding exercises can help. I’m going on a walk on the weekend with my family, I believe it’s Japanese style, that’s going to be interesting. I am aware I have a lot of emotions stored in my body, cptsd can do that. Memories are still intense

[rav3n]

@creative_writer an earlier reschedule with psychiatrist sounds helpful. from what i've heard you say about your current psych, she seems very understanding and unloading on her might lift some of the weight off your shoulders. her job is not to judge you, but to listen and support you 💗

i agree with you about it being easier with time - i guess the 'waiting' and uncertainty part makes it tough, but if there's one thing we can be certain about - its that change is inevitable, so this 'clogged up' and 'insanity' feeling will change too. 

do you like doing crosswords/word searches, sudoku, puzzles, etc? 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n my current psych is amazing, though this may be the first time she has seen me like this. I have recently experienced a worsening of symptoms. I know I’ve gotten better before to the point I didn’t have suicidal ideation and the memories weren’t as intense. It’s just disheartening moving backwards.

I haven’t done crossword/ or puzzles for a while. Do you enjoy doing them?

[AuntGlow]

@creative_writer That sounds so delightful. Saffron and matcha! I think I need to try this. 🤩

Ooh, that does sound interesting. Please let me know how the walk goes, I am very curious now! And absolutely, the body can be very activated with trauma... this is why somatic work can be so healing, because it can teach us how to have a safer relationship with our body (and then the mind often follows). Have you explored much yoga before? 

[creative_writer]

@AuntGlow I have ADHD but my psychiatrist doesn’t think it’s wise to go on stimulant. So I sort of use matcha and saffron to help me concentrate. Maybe not having any saffron for a while may have also contributed to how I’ve been feeling.

I haven’t done much yoga, but I know it’s something I would need to be very careful with. I have flexible joints, I ended up with neck pain after a yoga class years ago. I never went back to the class. I’ve done more Pilates

[rav3n]

@creative_writer ahh yep, so this would be the first time having that sorta of conversation with the current psych - it's hard unmasking in general and being honest about what's going on, but i reckon it'll be worth it too. 

definitely would be disheartening, especially when you've been putting in so much work into your recovery journey. reminds me of this diagram though:

maybe it feels 'backwards', but i reckon it's different this time in the sense that you know that things have gotten better in the past so it can again - that awareness its can be hard to come by! and you've reached out for support and your working on staying safe through distractions too. 

i do like puzzles/word searches, etc - i'm not the best at them but when i was finding my mind 'clogged up' i tried word searches and wordles (the online one) to help practice focusing. it was nice working on something that wasn't important, it's like there was no pressure if i messed up. if you're ever bored and want to try something new to occupy your mind, wordles can be fun to try out!

oh and this is random but i had some matcha tea today and it reminded me of you. i bought some matcha tea powder from Bali at the start of the year and only now used it - i think this might be my winter-go-to drink. 

[creative_writer]

@rav3n being honest is really hard. I feel like many of us automatically go to “I’m doing good” without even thinking.

I have been able to stay safe more easily than in the past. It’s still a struggle. The thing is I want the pain to end but I don’t want to go ahead with suicide.

I haven’t tried wordles, maybe I will. I need to improve my ability to concentrate. I’m doing online training for volunteer work, my mind sort of keeps shutting down.

I hope the Bali matcha is good. Good quality matcha makes a huge difference, only thing is it’s more likely to be expensive

[creative_writer]

I just felt like I needed to say this. I know the aim of the trauma was to break me, and I feel like it did. I know it’s not a helpful thought, but I can’t help it. I can’t not feel. I was robbed of a life I could’ve had. It’s hard to let it consume me. I’ve tried so hard to move forward, but I keep getting stuck. Maybe my emotions are super heightened right now, I start feeling disappointed in myself. I know I could’ve made something of myself, and I could allow it me to connect with others. The loss surrounds me. Like I want to move forward, but I am struggling.

I also hate how culture silences people. This obsession with honour is unhealthy. To place my whole family’s honour in my hands isn’t fair. I keep silent about my mental health. I do fear that keeping silent feeds in the shame and scrupulosity OCD thoughts. I know realistically the thoughts don’t even align with true religious perspectives