I can’t cope

[Jynx]

I think you got it @Captain24 😁

I think the other thing to be mindful of though is the anhedonia side of things. Which you said sounds pretty accurate for how you're feeling, that lack of feeling pleasure?

So I think in anhedonia there's actually decreased activity in the pleasure centres of the brain. Ever heard the phrase, 'Neurons that fire together, wire together'? It basically just means the more we think/behave in a certain way, the stronger the neural connections for that thought/behaviour. So, effectively the 'pleasure neurons' have kinda faded from disuse - they're not wired very strongly. Which is why things that ought to be pleasurable feel much more dull and difficult to engage with - cos it takes more energy for our brain to utilise those not-as-strong neural pathways.

All this is basically to say that sometimes in order to reignite that experience of pleasure, we have to work on strengthening those neural pathways again. Since the pleasure and motivation centres of the brain are both run by our old pal dopamine (that guy doesn't like me very much... teehee ADHD joke), doing stuff that increases dopamine is a good place to start:

That last point too - try something new!! Maybe part of the reason you're feeling burnt out on your arty stuff is because a) you've been doing it too much because you 'have to' and b) you've been forcing yourself to do it. I dunno if you've ever heard of the Persistent Drive for Autonomy (also called Pathological Demand Avoidance but I think that's just a bit pathologising hey)? Basically it's like... if you're gonna do the dishes in like half an hour. Then before you get up to do them someone comes n says 'Hey can you do the dishes?' and suddenly you really just don't wanna do it anymore. I wonder if this sense of 'I have to do my art' could be a little bit of PDA? That plus the added shame of 'because it should be good for me' is a recipe for disaster!!

So don't beat yourself up about it ok hun? This is all part of the trial and error of trying to find what works best for us for our recovery. Can take time, and come with pitfalls and frustrations. But you're still making progress! Finding out what doesn't work can be just has helpful as finding out what does 😊

Also creativity can't be forced. Just saying. 

[Captain24]

I got them from spotlight @rav3n. I’ve seen the coloured resin in line and it always looks good so I’m keen to try it. 

I’m not really good at breathing. I’ve learnt several different ways in hospital. But it’s not something I can focus on. 

Hopefully I’ll get some sleep. I’m hoping how agitated I feel is from being tired and not bipolar. 

[rav3n]

ooo cool! i'll need to add Spotlight to my next retail therapy session @Captain24 

that's totally fair if breathing exercises aren't for you, it's great you still gave it a go in hospital. do you feel the same about guided-meditation?

you also mentioned you came back from a lil trip recently right? i tend to feel extra tired when i come back from family holidays, and then that impacts my sleep, anxiety, irritability, etc. sometimes our body need extra time to re-adjust and go back to our routines and all?

[Captain24]

I think it’s more anhediona @Jynx. I think it’s past the general lack of enjoyment. The one day that I got to go to the beach when I was on holidays, I hoped that there was blue bottles so I didn’t have to go in. I love the beach and swimming in it.

I haven’t heard that before but I can try the whole dopamine thing. I’m willing to give anything a try. I need something to give. 

I see the PDA in me. (Bipolar) If you tell me to do something I get my back up and don’t want to do it. I’ve been like that forever. If it’s my decision then I’ll do it. I cope quite ok at work, I have anxiety around social situations but I can usually pull it off. I’m usually in fight or flight. Very rarely am I in the window of tolerance. It’s very little window. 

One example, I have to mow my lawns so I don’t want to. My CM wants me to do my garden, I don’t want to. It needs to be my decision.

I tried to get new artsy stuff to try and find enjoyment but I’m just pushing shit uphill? 

Im not creative at all, I'm just buy kits that have instructions! 

[Captain24]

I hate guided meditation @rav3n. I didn’t mind honest meditation when it was introduced to me. I resonated with that more.

Yeah, I came back on Thursday. I’m disappointed to be home but relieved to be separated from my parents. Spending 7 days with them, 24 hours a day is hard work. It does usually affect me quite a bit. Plus I had an appointment today 2 hrs away. It went well, I passed my skin check and my vitiligo isn’t spreading much at this stage. 

[rav3n]

oh what's honest meditation? don't think i've heard of that before. @Captain24 

i hear you, as much as i enjoy going on trips, being around family for so long can be tiring and frustrating. hard to get peace and quiet 😬

glad the appointment went well, must be a relief to hear you passed the skin check!

[Captain24]

It’s on YouTube @rav3n. It’s has a lot of swearing in it. 

My parents are my biggest trigger!!! 

The skin check doesn’t overly worry me. Iv had heaps of things cut out. The first time I went to her 2 years ago she took two concerning spots. Im more worried about the vitiligo. So far it’s only on my body in places that can’t be seen. But it is going to get worse. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 yeah give it a go!! And if frustration does kick in because it is taking ages for any kind of change to happen, do try to remind yourself that you're undoing neural wiring that has taken years to develop. It will take time. I honestly think sometimes one of THE most frustrating things about recovery is that it goes so slow and isn't always noticible! But if you keep taking those steps you will eventually be miles away from where you were. 

Are you and your psych working on ways to expand your window of tolerance? I think that's usually the approach right? It's funny I just went to go look it up and I found this that spoke about how things are often easier for us to tolerate if we are the ones choosing them. I think it makes sense, autonomy is so important for a sense of safety! So that might even be a contributing factor - if you're always stuck in fight/flight/etc then the idea of being told you need to do this or that in order to 'feel better' would definitely create inner turmoil! 

I also wonder how much of a role shame plays in this conundrum for you - like, when the activity you're doing doesn't make you feel better, even though it's apparently supposed to, does it bring up feelings of failure and ineptitude? Because again, that's going to end up creating a lot of inner conflict. You can always just gently remind yourself that you're working through many years of whacky brain wiring, and just blame the neurons!! Stupid neurons. 

Even if it is a kit, you're still engaging in play! And we know how important play is. Maybe that's another thought (sorry I know I've been piling a lot of them on you tonight!), to try to find self-care activities that feel like play instead of a chore or 'something for someone else' i.e. your therapist.

When was the last time you did something silly, whimsical, or spontaneously cheeky?

[rav3n]

@Captain24 okay i did a quick search and i don't know what i was expecting but it definitely wasn't this- how have i only heard of this today!? honestly love the concept of it, i want to give it a go one day. 

oh gosh my parents are a big trigger for me too 😬

i don't know too much about how fast vitiligo spread, is there something that can stop/slow down the spread? 

[Captain24]

I can’t respond to that tonight, sorry @Jynx. I appreciate it and have read it a couple of times but I just feel a little overwhelmed at the moment. I’m trying to process all of tonight. 

I hope that’s ok. 

I never do anything silly. I’m too self conscious. 

How was your weekend?