I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

At the moment it feels like a step back. I have so much regret for speaking. I feel sick with how I’m going to be treated. She already said stuff in the crib room last night before I said anything. 

I didn’t cry myself to sleep but I just feel the need to cry. My psych wants me to just let go big it’s hard. While I cried last night it was a different cry to what I feel I need. 

Im going to markets at about 7:30 tonight. I wanted to go by myself but of course mum and dad have to come so I have to wait until after they have walk the dog. Heaven forbid should they miss a walk or change routine. 

[Captain24]

You around @tyme 

Its ok if you’re to busy. 

[tyme]

Hey, I'm here @Captain24 ,

Sorry it's been a busy last two nights, but I never forget to connect with you 🙂

[tyme]

How were the markets @Captain24 ?

Hugs about today. Take it a moment at a time. You may be surprised that it feels bigger than what it turns out to be.

I've certainly experienced that. 

I feel you really ought to acknowledge the fact that you stood up in the first place.

[Captain24]

I don’t want to take time away from others that need it more or are more important than me. @tyme 

The markets were good. I got an ice cream sundae candle that smells of bubblegum.

As we were leaving mum fell over and dropped what was left of her ice cream. I felt so bad and sad that she dropped it. I felt terrible for her. It’s just an ice cream. But it reminded me of all the times that things I had or liked got thrown out or destroyed. It always hurts me when I see someone lose something. It’s really stupid. Of all the things that are wrong with me, this I’m stupid. 

Anything happening for you? 

[tyme]

Awww @Captain24 , please don't be so cruel to yourself. You felt bad because someone feel over. You felt bad because your mum dropped her ice cream. The thing is, if you didn't feel bad, it would be more of a worry.

There have been many times in my life where even if I dont' like a person, if I know they are hurt and need something, I melt. 

This is called sympathy. It's okay to have it. 

@Captain24 , You honestly have so much in you. It is just thoughts pulling you down, telling you that you are no good. That's far from the truth. 

You mean a lot to me and other people.

Trust me.

[Captain24]

It’s my fault she fell over. I was walking on the footpath. I should have given it all to her. It was inconsiderate of me. @tyme 

If that’s sympathy then I have it in unhealthy extremes. 

I was kinda doing a little better. I’m not being as risky, I’ve been trying to self regulate. But I feel like I’ve fallen backwards. 

I wish I could see what you see. I wish I had something to strive for like dangling the carrot of who I am. I just don’t know who that is. 

Im not sure I mean much too many people. 

[tyme]

What about this... try your level best to remove the 'should's' out of your thoughts and sentences.. that's a start. 

The idea of having 'should's can be very harmful. 

Remember, your 'goal' is to retrain your brain. It really works. You've gotta keep 'using' the neural pathways that you haven't used for a long time and keep travelling on those new roads so they get stronger... @Captain24 

For a long time, you've been travelling on the 'dangerous' (?) neural pathways?

Am I even making any sense? Sorry if I'm not.

I really believe in you. I know you can do it.

You mum is an adult. She choses where she wants to walk.

[Captain24]

My psych picks up the ‘should’s’ It’s something Ive always said. She just told me to stop saying it. She has reduced me saying ‘sorry’ a lot. 

I didn’t see it as harmful but if I look at it in certain contexts I can now you pointed it out @tyme. It’s another way of me putting myself down. 

Im having trouble restraining. I start and then fall backwards, but when I fall I fall hard. Right now it’s really bad and I’m talking really bad. 

I’ve been on the dangerous ones most of my life. It’s like it’s normal. 

You did make sense 

Mum has a leg brace so that she can actually walk or she would be in a wheelchair. If it’s uneven ground she always falls over. 

Sorry.. there is so much running through my head right now. Stuff I can’t say.

[tyme]

It's the night time brain too @Captain24 . 

If you can't be kind to yourself, I'll have to shower you with kindness!

Sorry to have to love you and leave you now. We will catch up over the weekend. I'm around tomorrow morning if you are free.