I can’t cope

[tyme]

Yeah, those voices sound a bit nasty! You may have to tell those voices off because they will keep telling you that it is the truth. Remember, neuroplasticity means you need to keep travelling on those neural pathways that aren't used very often.... let me know if this doesn't make sense.

As for the grass, with the current weather, it doesn't take long for the grass to be outta hand. I'm glad I don't have grass here... only weeds lol. It's still a lot of work.

My break? I still don't feel like I've had one. If I'm having a 'break' from here, there it means I'm doing more somewhere else lol. 

I'll be on the next 2 weeks, then I think I'm off one week, then the following week, I'm going overseas (I can't say where at the moment, but I'll tell you about it once I get back). I'll be overseas for the following 1.5 weeks or so. @Captain24 

This wasn't a pre-planned trip. The opportunity came up, so I just took it.

I've missed you a lot though. I think about you all the time.

[Captain24]

It’s so hard when you know it’s the truth. It’s hard to change it. Then trying to change it and failing at it doesn’t help either. As I was going about my morning and getting so much done I was a little kinder to myself. I allowed myself to celebrate my accomplishments. Now all I can see is what’s not done. So in that ramble I guess I did try a different neural pathway this morning. 

Grass is the pits, especially when it’s a large backyard! Most of it is weeds too. I haven’t done the whole weed’n’feed thing. 

Tou can’t let yourself just rest can you! At least you’re keeping busy I guess. That’s what works for you isn’t it. I need some of your get up and go. 

Having you around for a little while will be good. Overseas sounds interesting! 🧐 All secretive.. that makes it sounds like it’ll be a good experience. Do my anxiety a favour and prepare for your trip, not the night before! 😂 

I have missed you too. How are you feeling? Has the shingles and infection eased? 

[tyme]

Lol... I honestly don't even think I have a bag to pack things in. I'll need to get a larger bag with wheels. I only have the smaller ones I reckon. I've thrown out my bigger ones because I didn't want them lying around. But I may as well buy another one because I'm going overseas again at the end of the year. I'll think of you and buy my bag in the next two weeks lol.

I've been so busy doing things that I my place looks like a shambles too. Just stuff that need to be put away. I'll get there... soonish.

I don't think my infection has fully cleared up. I finished the last of the antibiotics only yesterday. So I'll wait and see how it goes @Captain24 

Yeah, I think it's good to be kinder to yourself. I know for a fact that as the day get later, those more negative thoughts come out. 

Look, if you can't get it done today, then you can't. That's it. And it's a pain having a large backyard. It feels like once you reach one end of the backyard, where you started has already started growing lol.

The kids are on school holidays - again. We aren't going anywhere this holz. We will go camping in September, I think.

It's busy one this year!

When your admission again? August?

[Captain24]

Please do!! And staring organising stuff!! Shit.. I’m already thinking about August as I have no idea what my size will be. These med changes that she wants to do could change me greatly. Hopefully @tyme 

My mood is shown in the state of my house. I had stuff everywhere, rubbish, food in benches, it was disgusting and unhygienic. I was glad that I could manage to do it this morning. 

OMG… are you actually feeling any better? Has your skin improved? 

I get the later in the day thing. My big achievement is that I was a little better this morning. The afternoon has hit pretty hard though. 

I guess I just have to do it tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be a better day. I don’t want to be judged for it. 

School holidays already? That should keep you entertained! How are the kids going? Also how is Ruby? How’s she going with her walks after her scare? 

Im going in on the 11th of August. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 allo allo!! How are you travelling hun? 

Catching up on everything, I'll reply to your message from the other night soon 😉

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Nothing new here, same ol’ shit. 

How you doin’

[Jynx]

@Captain24 10 days feels like an age, but how long has it already been? Years. It's horrendous to think about in some ways I know, but try to find the hope in it - if you can do decades, what's 10 days really? 

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@Captain24 wrote:

 I’m on my own in this mess and I don’t think I can do it. 

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You won't be. We will be here every step. You can totally do it because you've done it before. You'll be okay hun, your brain is throwing panic at you because that's just the only way it thinks it can keep you safe. But you know logically that there's all sorts of other things keeping you safe.

10 days? Yeah you'll ace it, I know you will!! LET'S GOOOOO 😁

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@Captain24 wrote:

It’s so hard when you know it’s the truth. It’s hard to change it.

---

Therein lies the rub - you gotta keep asking yourself, asking your own mind, "But what if it's not the truth? What if those voices are actually wrong and I'm torturing myself over nothing?"

Which is a strange little pocket of grief in its own right. I know I spent over a decade torturing myself for no reason. It's actually one thing that makes it hard to give it up imo (the self-torturing/self-loathing/self-sabotage), because that in itself can be such a confronting realisation. 

Here with ya hun 💜

[Captain24]

I kinda had my hopes up that things would start to change. Instead I had to open up so many wounds. So much pain. So much to get nowhere. No diagnosis until my depressive episode has eased. It could be masking or creating symptoms. @Jynx I just wish it would all stop. I just want to stop. I want to be done. 9 days still feels like an eternity. But I see where you are coming from, it’s been so long but I wanted to see change straight up. 

I feel like I’m alone. Knowing you guys are here does help. I just feel like I’m a burden because I haven’t changed. I still feeling the same if not worse. Opening everything up made it so much worse. 

Im struggling so much with the voices they are relentless. It’s hard to change them, it’s hard to challenge them. It’s so hard to not believe them. It’s too hard. They are winning. Winning in so many ways. 

I had a Case manager that just kept telling me that it’s all my fault. I’m the one that’s making me feel like this. It’s my own self sabotage. It’s pretty triggering. It makes me feel like I’m just a failure and I deserve to feel like this. I hate that ‘self sabotage’ that to me means I make myself this way. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 with how much was opened up, it makes sense that you are feeling so intensely hun. 

I know they have to be thorough, but it is super frustrating, I know. Maybe you can have a chat to your psych/CM about it as well? Your psych especially, might be able to help you tease out the differences between bipolar and ADHD, and how the symptoms show up in your life. You could even have a look through this article on ADDitude about the differences, see if anything helps you understand yourself and your past a bit better, and give you a focus for next time you see the pdoc. 

Self-sabotage is a tricky one hey, it does tend to carry an element of shame to it. Wanna unpack the concept a bit further together, or are you feeling a bit info-overloaded? 

[Captain24]

I see Pdoc in 9 days and my psych in 10 days. I’ve been kicked out of comm health so I no longer have a CM. @Jynx. 

My psych sees ADHD 100%. She compares me to herself. If I didn’t f@ck up my life by making myself sick maybe it wouldn’t be so hard. 

That article was interesting. It doesn’t paint bipolar in a good light. It’s a pretty bad mental illness to have. Every time I read about it it’s very confronting. But all those depressive symptoms are me right now. I can see that my bipolar needs to be under control before anyone can see any deeper. Anything else. 

I see self sabotage as it’s me making myself feel this way. I’m the one doing it. I only have myself to blame for feeling so depressed and suicidal. It’s my own fault. Knowing all this makes me feel even worse knowing it’s my fault. If makes me feel like I don’t deserve support because I put myself in this place. I’m just wasting everyone’s time. All this combined is what’s making me want to end it. To let it beat me. To let it win. I can’t cope with it anymore. I’m so ready to give in. 

Sorry that was a lot and very dark.