I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Thanks for tonight. @Jynx. I’m sorry for getting upset.

Catcha tomorrow 

[Captain24]

Sorry about last night @Jynx I hope I didn’t upset you. I’ve been worrying about it all day. 

I had my psych appointment. There is never enough time. We were going to go over my snake issue. I can’t move past it. It’s front and centre of my thoughts. It’s causing me so much anxiety. We didn’t get time. 

We were going to go over my flashbacks from my car accident what has come about after the guy grabbing the steering wheel while I was driving. Didn’t have time. 

I have my best friend coming around shortly for an hour while she waits to pick up her son. We focussed on that. How to set internal boundaries and not take on board her family issues. To distance myself from them. I have to do self talk to bring myself back. She asked me how I felt when she said that and I said my skin tingles and I feel sick. She was impressed that I could notice the sensations and said I sound anxious. We went over why. If I need to cry after the visit then let myself. She asked how I could comfort myself and I went straight to distraction and she said no. She meant laying on the lounge with my weighted Dino. 

I also have to write a letter to my best friend when she leaves (not to give to her) to allow me to put her issues down on paper and out of my head. 

My psychs thesis that she is doing is how people take on board what others are feeling. 

I bought snake deterrents today. They make a buzzing noise and create vibrations through the ground. I’ve put one in and I’ve started digging the hole for a second one. The ground is rock (literally) hard. I’m have to try and do another one on Friday morning when I have my morning off. 

Sorry that was a ramble. Still so much more inside that I need to get out. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Captain24 How's your day?

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx I actually just posted to you above!

[Jynx]

@Captain24 just saw!! Will reply properly in a tickety boo

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Ach well you can pop those worries right on down, I'm a-ok hun. I was more worried I'd upset you!

Sounds like a really big day hun, emotionally speaking! Sounds like you feel like you weren't really able to get everything off your chest that you wanted to. Anything extra swirly that would be helpful to vent here? I got a listening ear for ya!!

Oooh high tech!! Hope they work, definitely sounds like it has rattled you!! 

Please continue to ramble!! Love me a good ramble ahaha

[Captain24]

Yeah.. I was upset @Jynx. Just that I took it the wrong way. It’s ok cause I did with my psych today too. Similar lines. Because I don’t positively self talk  because I can’t do it. It just feels stupid cause it’s not what my thoughts say (thoughts aren’t facts as my psych reminded me) I feel like everyone thinks I’m not trying to help myself. I told my psych that’s how I feel and she was concerned that she made me feel that way but she doesn’t. It’s just what I feel. 

With my old psych the time seemed to drag. With this psych time is never long enough. I guess that’s a good thing. It means we are working on stuff. 

Yep the snake thing as really rattled me. More than it should. I see the snake in my mind constantly. I see it when I close my eyes. I see it when I go to sleep. I won’t let the dogs go around the corner. I won’t let them outside. I’ve only managed to dig 2 holes today so I only have 2 in. So they still aren’t allowed out. I don’t think k I’ll let them when they are all going either. I’m too scared to go out to my backyard. I’m too scared to go around to that side of the yard. Hence the only 2 holes are on the other side. I have overgrown edges still on the none snake side and I’ve asked dad to whipper snipper them down for me tomorrow. I’m too scared to go near them. It’s a real problem. It’s causing me extreme distress. 

My best friend has left. She really only talked about her son. He has adhd, dyslexia and autism level 2. She talked about how hard her struggles are with him. How hard that she has all this family around and no one to help. Her mum and her aunty both won’t medicate him right. If they don’t think he needs it then they don’t give it to him. They will give him his stimulant at night and just don’t follow instructions so she can’t leave him with them. Her dad and sister won’t go near her. I didn’t take to much on board but I was able to listen and add the right acknowledgments in the right places. I’ve obviously had plenty of therapy!!! Lol

The snake thing is the biggest problem I think. But there is still a lot of noise in my head. Still lots of those unhelpful thoughts. Still lots of wanting to do things. But as stupid as it is the snake thing is the front of everything followed by flashbacks of my car accident and the guy grabbing the steering wheel. I don’t think I can drive a car at work with passengers and I go back tomorrow. I have a fear that it could happen again. 

I know this is all ridiculous and an over reaction but I can’t help it. I know people have real problems and these ones aren’t. But they are consuming me. They are keeping me awake at night. They are keeping me from my yard. They are keeping me from living. 

Im so sorry to be so stupid. Sorry for dumping all this. I’m sorry for being on here. I’m sorry for living. I’m just sorry. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww hun, it's okay, really. You haven't disappointed me, or let me down, and I am always gonna be super understanding of moments like this cos I get it. I know it's just the automatic processes of your brain, not some personal failing or reflection of you as a whole. 

Did your therapist also tell you that it's normal to feel suuuper uncomfortable and even downright upset when practicing positive self-talk? Cos like... in your brain, it's a lie!! 

I know for SURE you're doing what you can to help yourself hun, I see it all the time! Game recognise game after all, hehe. 

Sounds like the snake incident has potentially given you a bit of an existential crisis!! To be expected from a near-death experience really. What did your psych say about it? 

I dunno if it'd help but there's an awesome book about this, it's called Staring at the Sun by Irvin Yalom, he's like THE GUY for existential psychotherapy and the book is legiiiiiiit - confronting death anxiety is a LOT but kinda cuts through to the core of everything sometimes too... 

Darlin your problems are real too. It's why this one of my fav quotes: If it matters to you, it matters. You have nothing to be sorry for. 

[Captain24]

Thank you for understanding @Jynx. I do feel like I’m failing everyone. I’m trying to not write things that are what you talked about last night. Sorry if I do without realising. 

I really am trying but I don’t feel like it and I’m not getting anywhere. I feel like me not getting better shows to others that I’m not trying. 

She did. She told me what was the worst that could happen if I did practice. I said it not working and I’d still feel the same. Then she asked what would happen if I don’t practice. I said feel the same so she then pointed out I have nothing to lose. She has a habit of twisting things her way! 😂 

We got distracted from the snake thing worrying about my best friends visit. Her talking me through the visit went well as I didn’t need to take it on board. You’re not going to believe me but I kept saying to myself it’s not my burden! 

I really need to work on the snake thing as it’s totally not healthy. All the what ifs. It literally could have bitten me. I was so close to it. If I didn’t look down I would have been at its head and it would have gotten me. The dogs are outside all the time. I leave the door open so they can come and go. It could have gotten them. I leave the door open at night and when I’m not home. Anything could have happened. What if it had have come inside. It definitely would have gotten the dogs. And how would I remove it. I wish we had time to go over it. I now have to wait a week. But I can’t live like this. I am constantly scared. My heart rate is always high. My anxiety is so high. I shake when I go outside. I’m hyper vigilant. 

I haven’t been reading much and while it sounds good I need something now. At least I’ll be at work for the next 2 days and 3 nights. I’m hoping it’s a distraction and then I see her on Tuesday. I think we need to focus on this. 

Im sorry to keep going on about it but I'm honestly extremely distressed. I’ve never thought about it being a near death experience but maybe that is what has tipped me so far over the edge. 

All the other noise is there but I’m obsessing over this. It’s an obsession. A bad one. 

I truly am sorry. 

It just seems so like in comparison to others. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 no no it's okay if you do, cos I will try to gently point it out. But it's all a process and like, the more you're vocal about it the more we can work on it together! 

Aye, totally reasonable conclusion to come to!! You're worried that folks will give up on you cos they will think you're not taking it seriously, or something like that? Well you're definitely not seen that way by me or the team! And here's the rub - even if you weren't trying, even if you were doing exactly what it is you're scared people think you're doing, you would STILL deserve a space in this community. Know why? 

Cos you're a person!! Simple as that.  

Oh I like your psych!! Clever one haha. But yeah, it's this vibe basically:

Hun... what you went through was OBJECTIVELY SCARY. There's absolutely no reason to diminish, belittle, or otherwise invalidate the intensity of your emotional experience!! 

Cos yeah, like you say you were right next to it, one wrong step... yeah, I'd say that's a near-death experience and it is TOTALLY NORMAL for you to be struggling! Sure, maybe someone else in your position may have coped just fine with that, but not if they were ALSO dealing with all the internal stuff you're going through. Like... your resilience IS lower, so something like this will have a higher impact!!