I can’t cope

[Captain24]

My strength looks like a fat lump of a person with no energy, no nothing. 

I have given up on everything. I’m not even a good dog mum.

Oh no that’s what I call my littlest! @rav3n He is a little shit! 

I know a little about hybrid. What do you want to know? I actually own a RAV 4 hybrid. 

It’s all Telehealth except on the odd time I go down in person but it’s 4 hours away. I do love seeing her in person though. I felt ashamed for crying. I fell in a heap afterward and still haven’t come out of it. 

[rav3n]

it might be hard for you to believe me, but i with my whole heart believe that you're a beautiful person inside and out. i know i've never met you in real life, but the interactions i've had with you on the forums so far have shown me what a kind soul you have, and that instantly makes you beautiful to me @Captain24 

you're there for your dogs, you sit with them and spend time with them - that makes you a good dog mum too.

OH HAHA my bad! little shit, i call my sister that sometimes 😆

oh niceee! was just gonna ask if you reckon it's better than petrol car (other than lower fuel consumption part)? 

4hrs! makes sense, and i'm guessing you feel really comfy with her? i'm so sorry you felt ashamed for crying. the way i grew up, my parents made me feel ashamed for it but now i've realise it's a normal and healthy process. you wouldn't shame someone for other bodily functions like hiccups or coughing or evening taking a piss... crying deserves the same rights i reckon, it helps get rid of toxins too and release hormones that help regulate your mood. 

also just noticed the time!! i gotta head off, i'll catch ya next time. really appreciate you letting me sit with ya, and you got this!! sending you gentle hugs 💙

[Captain24]

Thanks for seeing it in me @rav3n. I don’t. I know I’m a kind and considerate person but I hate that about me and need it to change. It’ll cause me less pain. 

I feel like I neglect them. I don’t take them for walks and I didn’t bath them today when I was suppose to. They did spend the day in my bed though. 

My oldest is so sweet most of the time but the youngest is a little arsehole. He has such an arrogance about him. Not sure if it’s a male thing or a black dog thing. We had a black male years ago and he was arrogant. 

My RAV is really quiet. You can barely hear it running. There is no battery to go flat. The one thing you have to be careful of is driving in foot traffic areas like car parks. People will walk straight out in front of you because they can’t hear the car! I am really happy with it. The fuel consumption is really good especially when I travel 45kms to work. 

Im extremely comfortable with my psych. I met her when I was in hospital so she has seen me at my worst. She helped me and knew parts of my story from being in there so the transition was kinda easy. I tell her pretty much everything. I do wish I could see her in person more regularly. 

Yeah I had comments made and received consequences about my crying. I’m scared to cry. There is the fear that I’ll be punished. That’s where the shame comes in. 

Thanks for tonight. It wasn’t easy for me. I was anxious but I really appreciate the time and effort. Thank you. 

[Captain24]

I had to people all day today @Jynx.

One guy said his nephew is like him and doesn’t leave the house. I told him I don’t either (other than work). He said he knew where I was at. I think he was meaning mentally. He has no idea. He has no idea how close I came last night to ending it. Everyone is different. 

Know I’m trying to convince myself that I’m ok. I couldn’t go and get my meds as I had faced enough people. Lucky I wasn’t too late for delivery otherwise I’d be out again tonight and for the next 5 days. I was scared of not being able to sleep cause I struggled last night. I was scared of the withdrawals as I’ll be at work for the next 5 days. 

Why does it all have to be so hard? I feel like I should just end it and get it all over and done with. It’s an option. It’s the only one I see. 

I am tired. I am overwhelmed. Today was hard. It was hard to sit still in a chair all day too. I kept fidgeting but I couldn’t get up. I was stuck. I was stuck with people all day. Having to talk. Having to make conversation. Having an annoying guy next to me. He doesn’t stop talking. It was too much to listen to him all day. He’s the one that said he ‘knows where I’m at’ if he did he would have f*cking shut up. 

I feel so agitated and angry. I feel restless. I don’t want to do anything. I just am done and don’t want to be here. I’m not worth it. I’m just a bother to everyone. I’m annoying and I’m a horrible person. 

Why go through this? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Getting extra worried about you hun. I am really hearing how overwhelmed you are with everything. And sounds like that encounter has hit you hard you know? Kinda like it's brought acute awareness to just how much you're struggling at the moment. 

What are you up to this afternoon? If you did come close last night, do you think we ought to do some safety planning together? 

Here with you hun, whatever you need I'll do my best to provide 💜

[Captain24]

I’m just sitting on the lounge @Jynx. Feeling so low. Jett is having ‘fun’ with his bear and Pix is whinging at me. I deserve it though cause all I do is whinge lately. 

Im sorry. Im sorry for being difficult. It’s ok to give up on me. I would. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Ahhh yes, dog-humping, how soothing for you 🙃

Nah not gonna give up on you, not how I roll. I see you, suffering, often in silence. I'm not gonna be someone who perpetuates that. I'm gonna stick by you no matter what. 

So if you got more Big Feelings you wanna get off your chest, by all means - I'm here to listen. Sometimes a big whinge is just what the doc ordered! 💜

[Captain24]

I’ve been saying a lot over the last couple of days and I’m sorry @Jynx 

I no longer want to be here. I hate my job and I have to go back tomorrow and really don’t want to. I feel like I can’t do it but I have to unless things change tonight. My dogs would be better off without me. I’m not a good mum. I’m not a good person. I’m not a good daughter or I wouldn’t be thinking this way. I’m just a horrible person. I don’t contact anyone. I don’t have it in me so I’m a horrible friend to. I hate myself. I hate my entire being. I hate who i am. I hate that I’m selfish. I hate that I’m nice and considerate. I hate that I let people walk all over me. I hate everything about me. I hate that there is no good in me. I hate that I’m all bad. I hate that I can’t do boundaries. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that all I do is whinge. I hate that I’ll let some people down. I hate that I’m not thinking of others. I hate that I just don’t care anymore. I just hate.

Why do I try when I’m nothing? Why do I try when I know people wouldn’t even care? Why do I try when I don’t care? Why do I try at all? 

He finished humping and put his whatsit  away and then started humping again and had to put it away again! He isn’t very smart. Pix jumped on the lounge for the first time so she has stopped whinging! 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Would you look at that, Jynx is wrapping you up in the BIGGEST HUG. 

🫂🫂🫂

I'm sorry your brain is being so mean, telling you so many falsehoods and adamantly insisting they're the truth. It's really, REALLY hard when our brains don't give us any wiggle room to consider other options (which, when in spirally/dysregulation state, makes lots of sense since logic-brain is in shut down).

Sounds like you're pretty dysregulated hun, so I won't try to logic you out of these thoughts. Just know that there is someone in this world (probably many someones, but I can only speak for myself) who cares about you, who sees the truth beneath all those thoughts -  sees a wonderful person, who simply cannot currently see that she is wonderful, that she is loved, that she is worth the effort, and that she is definitely worth fighting for. I hope that you do see it one day though. And I hope some part of you can accept this compassion from me tonight - just let a little in!! 

OMG he must keep you on your toes with all the uhhh.... hip humping action!! Bahaha oh dear! Does he go through his toys? Wears em out hahaha

[Captain24]

I really wish you could right now @Jynx I’ll accept the virtual one though thanks. 

I feel like I’m headed towards a complete shut down. But I don’t really know what that means at the same time. I’m worried about what might happen if I do shut down. 

It feels like the truth. It’s like I know it’s the truth and there isn’t anything in me that can see it differently. 

Maybe you’d be the only one to care. But I’d just disappear. Then you wouldn’t give me a second thought. It’s ok though I wouldn’t either. 

I had a really hot shower before. My skin was red and prickly. It didn’t do anything though. It was a waste of time and energy. It’s suppose to help. It’s suppose to make everything ok. It took so much for me to do it. 

He only does it to one bear. He bites  it and shakes it around at the same time. He is pretty violent!