I can’t cope

[Captain24]

So my boss rang me this afternoon and asked if I was ready to go back to work on Friday. I told him I was but that I was scared of getting stuck in my head. He did say that if I start to struggle that I could call him up and he’d help me out. It’s good to know that I have his support. He doesn’t know half of what’s going on though. 

I am terrified of going back but I know I have to. My job involves spending 11hrs of the 12.5 hr shift alone. It can be quite boring and repetitive with only a 2way and fm radio. No phones or anything. I’m freaking out so much already. 

It hadnt been a really good day before that and I’ve done something stupid to myself. I hate myself for being so stupid. Yesterday started off with light but it’s gone again. I feel like I’m losing my mind. Will this ever end? I’m just so so stupid. 

Im scared of what my head is doing to me. I’m just starting to shut down completely and it’s getting so hard to function. 

Sorry for venting, but if I don’t I feel like I’m going to completely lose it. I’m so stupid. 

[tyme]

Hi @Captain24 ,

Great to see you around on the forums.

You have raised some very important questions regarding your work. It's good you have been open and transparent to your boss about what is happening for you.

I'm curious to know whether return-to-work plans have been made to support you through the transition? e.g. splitting up your day so you are not working in isolation for long periods of time, shorter hours, regular check-ins.

I encourage you to continue reaching out, especially when you feel you require extra support at work.

Work gives routine, accountability, responsibility, goals, $$$.... but it can also be a place of unnecessary stress.

All the best,

tyme

[Captain24]

Hi @tyme 

Sorry was just trying to get through on a chat to try and get help.

No there is no RTW. He is only my crew boss and the ones above him don’t know what’s going on. He said that I can just call him up and say I’m unwell and he will get me swapped out. It’s only Friday that the other bosses are there. On the weekend he is the only boss. Then he is the only one on the nights shifts after that. When he is on his own he will check-in. The job does make it hard for shorter hours but I’m hoping I can get through. 

Im hoping the routine will give me some focus and some distraction and to stop doing stupid stuff. 

Captain24

[tyme]

@Captain24 ,

Your post shows a real deep understanding of what is happening for you at the moment, and this is probably what is going to help you get through.

Knowing your triggers, weaknesses and strengths BEFORE stepping into a workplace can certainly give room for some contingency planning - which you are already doing! Good work!

I think it is incredible that you have been able to reach out to your 'boss'. It shows your strength in wanting to move forward to cope with the structure and predictability of work.

Looking forward to hearing how you go with work this week. I'll be waiting to hear.

tyme

[Captain24]

@tyme 

While I have never been in a place this dark before and I have really scared myself with the things that I have thought and done. The best thing I did was find this forum as I have now discovered that there is others that have been here and gotten out. Also I’ve discovered that I CAN ask for help and that there is times when I need to. 

While everything is still dark I am learning ways and means of trying to get through. 

I have and am learning so much. 

[tyme]

That is so encouraging to hear @Captain24 because I can honestly testify that I've been in that very very very dark space. It took a lot of time and space come out of it, but I too, couldn't be more grateful for these forums.

It was these very forums that helped me come out of my shell and re-engage with society. And lo and behold, I'm now honoured to be able to share my experiences here as a peer support worker 🙂

[Captain24]

@tyme 

That’s encouraging to hear. 

I am absolutely petrified of what is happening to me right now. The fear brings me to tears. I cry more of the fear than of the darkness. I am so scared. I’m terrified. I’m scared that I’ll stay like this. I’m scared that if I get through, it will happen again. I don’t start with the Pdoc until July 12.

This is the first time I have truly admitted how scared I am. 

[tyme]

How are things for you today @Captain24 ?

Are you ready for tomorrow?

Thinking of you,

tyme

[Captain24]

Hi @tyme 

Today has been a bit better. Thank you  for checking.

I have done a lot today to distract myself. All the housework is done and I’ve been out for a walk with a friend. Food is prep for work. So I’m physically ready. 

Mentally though I am pretty stressed. I’m worried that I won’t sleep well tonight which will make getting through the days hard. I’m worried about all the alone time. I’m worried that I won’t be able to fake it and that my work mates pick up that I’m not ok. At least I only see them for about an hr. 

So I have a lot going on but I have a routine that I do normally for work so my focus when my alarm goes off at 4:30 will just be that. I’ve actually written my routine down so that I can tick it off as I go to stay focussed. That way I can try to stay out of my head. I have calming music on my phone for the 1hr drive there and home. I have thought about what I can control and have that sorted. I just have to stay out of my head while I’m there and if I’m struggling call for help.

Captain24

[tyme]

That's so impressive @Captain24 .

Being so proactive about your recovery in returning to work can make all the difference. It helps mentally and physically prepare you which is great. 

I'm am impressed you have been able to come up with a schedule to help you. I find that helps me too.

Actually, tonight, my brain is a bit everywhere with so many things to do, so I'll also learn from you and start writing things down NOW!

It's great to be able to bounce ideas and suggestions off each other here 🙂

I look forward to hearing how you go tomorrow.

I'll definitely be thinking of you,

tyme