I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Glad to be of assistance @tyme! 
😆

[Captain24]

Absolutely freaking out right now. I’ve done my routine and now about to head to work. My chest hurts and the fear of failing today is scaring me. Just hoping I can stop overthinking and stop those horrible dark thoughts. Trying to tell myself I am strip g and I can do this. 

[NatureLover]

@Captain24 I hope it goes much better than you expect...

[Captain24]

Pretty disappointed in myself right now. Feeling like a complete failure and absolutely useless and a complete waste of space. I hate my head I just can’t break it. 

I made it until 2 before I was struggling to fight my thoughts. By 4:30 nothing would distract me. I though maybe if I had a break but the fear of having to make small talk with people made it worse. I couldn’t focus on my task and that becomes dangerous. I had to give in a call to say I wasn’t feeling good. I only had to 2 1/2 hrs to go. 

I’ve let my boss down, the team down and myself down. 

Will I ever stop being so worthless. Why can’t I just control it. Will I ever be able to control it. I feel hope when I have a glimmer of light and the occasional good moments but I just keep crashing back down. Why do I keep going backwards. Why can’t I just move forward. Will I ever move forward. 

[tyme]

Hi @Captain24 ,

I've been thinking about how you went today.

As must as you sound disappointed with yourself, I think you have come a long way. It's incredible that you had the courage to step out and to give it another go. 

Despite having 2.5 hours to go, consider the long hours you have already managed to get in. 

If anything, I'd be celebrating the progress. Mental health (and life in general) is about acknowledging progress, NOT perfection.

Yes, ideally you would have wanted to make it through the entire day, but remember, you've taken time off and even when I consider it, I think it was HUGE that you agreed to working a whole day!

Consider it. If someone has been physically unwell, when they return, they usually begin with light duties before returning full time. Are you able to have this compassion on yourself in terms of your mental health? Start slow, then ease your body and mind back into it.

Whatever it is, let's work together to support you through this evening. What is something kind you can do for yourself tonight?

I'll be around if you need a chat. Other than that, good on you for braving today!

tyme

[Captain24]

Hi @tyme 

Thanks for your kind thoughts. 

I am so disappointed. I’ve just been sitting in my car in the park on my own listening to music and crying. I don’t even want o go home. I’ve let myself down. 

If this was anyone else I would see the positives but all I can see is negatives.

I did make 10hrs and that’s a long shift in a lot of jobs. I did go and I did fight for as long as I could. 

I keep focusing on the negatives, I can hear myself and I should be proud, but I just can’t seem to change it. I hate that I always focus on the negatives.

I just can’t find the way to change my head. I am trying so hard to help myself but I keep failing. It hurts so much. I’m not ok and it’s heartbreaking. 

[tyme]

Yes @Captain24 , 10 hrs is a VERY long day.

As your body gets weaker, so does the mind - do you think this played a part in it?

I hear you. I hear you are disappointed with yourself. 

For now, would you like to speak to a SANE counsellor? They are available on 1800 187 263 (Mon-Fri 10am-10pm AEST).

Please also know that you can contact crisis services if you feel the need:

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467

If in immediate danger: 000 

Go gentle on yourself. Take it 5 mins at a time. You do not need to think too far in advance.

Kindest, 

tyme

[Captain24]

Thanks @tyme .

I did try but I can’t get through. I’ll just have to sit with it. 

I guess all I can do is try again tomorrow 

[tyme]

Please keep trying tonight @Captain24 if you feel it will help.

You deserve the help. You have made a phenomenal effort today for which you ought to be congratulated for. 

Honestly speaking, in your shoes, I don't think I would have been able to accomplish what you did today. And for you now to tell me that you did 10 hours!!! Blows my mind!

Just hold tight. You can distract yourself with The Ice-Memery if you want. I love having a laugh with that thread.

Kindest, 

tyme

[Captain24]

So I made the 12.5hr shift!

The struggle to actually get up and go to work after failing yesterday was so hard. I didn’t want to end up in the same place.

It was so hard. I am mentally and emotionally drained. I can’t even feel proud of myself as I’m totally spent and can’t feel anything. I’m just numb. No pain. No thoughts good or bad. Just nothing. Not sure if that’s good or bad. 

On my way to work I instead of just having the music on I actually listened to the words. 

One had “show me the stairway I have to climb” and “teach me to take one day at a time” that is what I need now

The other is what I want to get to. “I once was lost but now I’m found, was blind but now I see”

I have heard these so many times over the years but today I took my own meaning from them. All of the music I’ve been listening to are along these lines so instead of it being back ground noise I need to actually listen.