If not for my cats

[Patches59]

I am safe and know I would not take actions on my thoughts because of my cats.  
my cats are my family and only things in my life currently that I know love and care about  me for me.  Blood relatives don’t bother about me and don’t care.  People who say they are my friends are too busy with their other friends.  One person who says I’m their friend constantly telling me how important specific other friends are and that they matter.  Feels like no one cares about me anymore.

due to wanting their breakfast my cats I get up each morning and I feed them.  They mean too much to me to let them go hungry.  Once I’m up I don’t go back to bed until it’s night time and the cats have had their dinner.  Go to sleep and the nightmare flashbacks wake me multiple times each night, nightmare/flashbacks that are so real and so scary.  

l have PTSD, depression, OCD, abandonment issues and panic attacks.

some days the pain get too much and think about just staying in bed, easier that way, no one cares or worries about me, no one will miss me.  It’s then one or both of my cats remind me they love me and need me

[Appleblossom]

Gentle Hugs @Patches59 

My cats were very important to me.

[hanami]

Hi @Patches59 

I'm so sorry to hear about how things are for you. My heart goes out to you. But I'm so glad you have your cats. Our fur babies are so special the way they love us unconditionally. They are everything. 

Sending hugs

Hanami

[Patches59]

Laying in bed this morning it was overcast due to heavy rain storm …. I wished the room was black, black forever.  My male cat was lying on my stomach watching me, my female kept quietly talking and rubbing her head on my arm.  I patted them both but I didn’t care about anything. SI so strong. Eventually got up and checked the time, well after 10am.  By now feeling sad, depressed, in tears, angry …. Angry at myself for letting the black thoughts to start to take control.  Angry at myself for not thinking about my cats.  Thursday last week local dr doubled dosage of my anti depressants and haven’t been feeling too bad last few days.  Next psychologist session not for about 3 weeks.  Have only seen her 3 times so far. Don’t know if can trust her to talk about SI.  Too scared she will want to have me admitted to local psych ward. Remember my dad being in same psych ward years ago, not good memories.  Can’t afford to go to psych ward, got no one to take care of my cats

[Jynx]

@Patches59 aww little kitties! I have cats too, they're such incredible companions, especially when I'm feeling really crappy. I'm sorry that you're in such a dark place, that's really rough - especially if you feel you haven't really got anyone to talk to about it. With a relatively new psych, it can definitely take time to determine whether you feel safe to be open about such things. I think something to remember is that typically the priority is to provide enough support and care to clients that a hospital admission isn't necessary. Hospital is usually only for imminent risk. Maybe letting your psych know that you're experiencing a lot of SI but that you want to work on finding ways to help keep yourself safe could be really helpful. 

You can also always call one of the crisis services that are available:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

Samaritans: 135 247 

If in immediate danger: 000

Do you have a safety plan to refer to as well? Can be a super useful tool to ensure that when things get really rough, you have a list of actions you can take to help you keep safe. You can even add your cats in there as one of the reasons to live. Our fuzzy friends really are a blessing aren't they? 

[Patches59]

@Jynx I don’t have a safety plan but will do one which will definitely include my cats.  I look at my fur babies and know I would not follow through on my thoughts, I couldn’t do it to them.  I adopted them just over 3 years ago.  Since then the 3 of us have been only stable thing each of us have. Am currently on my safety spot …. On the couch, feet on ottoman, rug and my male cat on my knee, dvd on.

during first session with psychologist she asked if I had suicide thoughts, at that stage answer was no.  She told me list of things when confidentially has to be breached with third party involved, one is suicidal thoughts.

[Jynx]

@Patches59 aww that sounds just divine! My little rascals were born under my house! I had a stray living nearby and she delivered two litters here. I ended up adopting two of them! So precious hey. I'm so glad they are such an amazing source of comfort and support for you. If you have moments where your cats are your only reason for living right now, well I think it's a pretty incredible reason. 

Hmm I suppose it depends, clinic to clinic, as to what their definitions and policies around Duty of Care are. For instance, our Duty of Care policy is that if we have reason to believe someone is at imminent risk of suicide, we will contact emergency services. However, we have many folks here who struggle with SI pretty regularly, and they're welcome to share this so long as it is done safely. Perhaps have another read through of the confidentiality agreement? Having the thoughts in and of themselves can be very different to having the intention to act on said thoughts. Most confidentiality agreements I've signed denote that they would only breach confidentiality if I am in acute risk - i.e. with plan/intent/timeframe. If it turns out that this psych doesn't feel safe for you to be open about your SI with, then maybe you could look for an extra source of support for that discussion in particular. 

Please enjoy this excrutiatingly adorable piccie of my two cats 😸

[Patches59]

@Jynx your fur babies are adorable.  I’m a sucker for tortoise.  My 2 are my profile pic which doesn’t do them justice.  My male has ginger patch on one rump like a love heart and on other rump a man’s bow tie.  What I was told is his sister when I adopted them only has 2 gold patches, stripe down her forehead and patch on her tummy. Apart from that she is black with few white patches, white toes.

I look at your name and am reminded of little grey tortie and white that spent some time at cat rescue group I used to volunteer at

[Jynx]

@Patches59 aww I didn't even notice - you fur babies are super adorable toooo!! 

Yeah it's so wild how gene expression works in cats. The stray who gave me both my darlings was a black n white tuxedo coloured cat. Trixie's (the patchy calico) dad would have been a ginger, and Trixie's two litter brothers were also tuxedo cats. Smushing a tuxedo with a ginger & white cat gives tuxedo boys and calico girls. Then Razz's father would have been a tabby fo her to come out tabby - she's got more black on her than other tabbies I've seen too. Genetics is wild haha. 

Aww cute! Working at a cat rescue would be super tough but rewarding I imagine! 

[Patches59]

@Jynx  I worked there as volunteer prior to my physical health getting worse.  It was very rewarding working with street and stray cats, slowly seeing them feel safe and then slowly start to trust people.

I also became foster carer whilst there. Most heart touching was my second foster. She was terrified of humans and used to hit out with very powerful paws, no claws out thank goodness.  In the 5 months she was with me I started to see her play toward the end of the time.  She would take pieces of roast chicken from my fingers or off my knee but slightest touch of my fingers on her coat sent her running to her safety spot