Listening to triggering music

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I found Pilates easier for my body than yoga. It just works better with my joints🤨. Or at least during the yoga class I felt lots of strain bending my neck downwards repeatedly.

Body flashbacks are indeed gnarly and confusing. Not sure what triggered it. I’ve been getting teary spells lately too.

The thing about poetry is you don’t have to tell people your personal story, the meaning is often ambiguous. Nonetheless it’s powerful because it still allows you to express yourself. I’ve found myself pondering over how much of my story do I really need to share in therapy. Like with my current SANE counsellor I haven’t shared the details but I’ve found it helpful. Obviously I still gave her some context. Sometimes I feel sceptical if sharing my story in detail is necessary. They often say to speak your mind freely, but sometimes sharing your story repeatedly can sort of de-stabilises you and can sort of keep you stuck in a way. I have had several sessions that included re-telling my story with my last psych, but it only got me so far. I often would end up leaving triggered. Not sure if this experience is common among other clients or maybe I’m just an oddball

[Jynx]

@creative_writer could be simply cos of the fact that everything is all jumbly right now, your routine has been interrupted, etc etc

You building a new routine for yourself atm? Even a little one might help! 

No no, I think that makes a lot of sense! Like if just re-telling your story was all we needed to do, I doubt anyone would even have PTSD ya know? Sounds like it may have actually ended up re-traumatising you a bit to do that - maybe replicating the feeling of telling your story to friends/family and not getting an emotionally attuned and empathic response...? 

And yeah, have heard others say similar - so not an oddball! 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx disruption in routine doesn’t help. My ASD brain thrives on routine and structure. I have been trying to implement things during the day, I’ve been focusing on spirituality in the morning which helps. Afternoons are hard since I tend to feel more exhausted.

I honestly have felt worse after therapy sessions too. Don’t know if that weird. Like I have gone into detail with my last psych but it felt like a lot. I did somewhat protect myself with my SANe counsellor, I was also mindful of limited sessions and not wanting to open too much because I don’t think I was in the mindset and I still am not in the mindset

[Jynx]

@creative_writer glad to hear it! How has today unfolded for you thus far? 

Hmm I think it's less 'weird' and more 'telling' perhaps? I mean I think it's pretty normal to come out of the odd session feeling pretty crappy... but I think there's definitely a difference between feeling crappy because you're spent, and feeling crappy cos the session wasn't any good. Like if there's no sense of progress, momentum, or internal shifts, over the course of multiple sessions, then it's probably not the right therapist. But if you walk out feeling like death warmed up, but maybe with some fresh insights to process or something to work on next time, it's different hey. 

[creative_writer]

@Jynx maybe it’s just me being sceptical, but is it absolutely necessary to get to the nitty gritty of trauma? They talk about re-traumatisation. Then again, I don’t feel safe enough to be fully open. I am always scared of people not believing me or minimising my experiences.

TW:

Content/trigger warning

Don’t get me wrong when I say this, I’m not currently suicidal. But I would’ve preferred death to SA. I value my honour more than my life. We all have to die one day, and I don’t think it’s the worst thing

[Jynx]

@creative_writer no no, that is VERY healthy skepticism! Talk therapy is just ONE type of therapy after all! Found this article talking a bit about it actually, if you're curious!

Nah, you're right, everyone dies, and I don't think that that's a 'bad' thought to have per se - it tells you where your values lie. I guess my question is, who gets to decide your honour? Who gets to decide that it is gone or damaged from the actions of a violent perpetrator? Is there not honour in the way you've picked yourself up and continued to tread your path, walking the road of the helper/healer?

I think you might have more honour now than ever... but that's me, that's my narrative. What do you want your narrative to be?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx I came across that article during my recent research 🤣.

Realistically I feel like a lot of us need to learn to separate ourselves from the material world at times. The chaotic nature of the world can create a lot of stress. Sometimes we just need to distance ourselves from everything.

I think my mind is at war with itself. On one hand I feel less worthy and the other part of me knows that our experiences in life help us grow and flourish. Not saying that I want people to go through awful traumas, but the pain shapes who we become. It can make us more empathetic and compassionate

[Jynx]

Ahahaha @creative_writer nice one

Yeah for sure!! Getting clear of the materialistic values is soooo tricky when we're steeped in consumerist culture, but it definitely does wonders for the soul! 

Yeah for sure, and well... I think it is about nuance sometimes... like, being able to hold two seemingly opposing views in mind simultaneously without them becoming a source of conflict. Kinda like this: 

 

You can allow the experiences to be a source of growth without that automatically meaning you are glad or grateful they happened. 

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@creative_writer wrote:
On one hand I feel less worthy 

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This bit got me curious - less worthy than what? Than who you were before?

But like we're talking about above, who you are now is someone whose strength and fortitude have given her a uniquely empathetic understanding of and compassion for others who have experienced such pain... 

And worthy of what? Who is defining this 'worth'? Is it simply the product of your cultural context and social upbringing? Then does that mean it is absolute truth? Or can you choose what is 'worthy' to you? Can you reclaim a sense of worth based on the compassionate and empathetic value system that has developed from these experiences? What is it, in YOUR eyes (not the eyes of the people around you) that dictates how 'worthy' a person is, or isn't?

[creative_writer]

@Jynx culture does encourage consumerism. I feel like it’s why so many of us have lost connection with nature, other people and spirituality. Material stuff is only temporary, we are constantly gaining and losing. I prefer being out in nature as opposed to shopping centres.

The constant conflict in my brain is confusing. A part of me believes I am less worthy than before. I think I’ve spent my life as a people pleaser, it’s just hard to find peace within myself. I know we define our own worth, but I’m so used to looking at other people for cues

[Jynx]

For sure @creative_writer I am getting maaaad nature cravings at the moment actually - gotta go camping or something soon, revitalise my soul!! 

Maybe you could have a conversation with that part of you, get a bit of an understanding of what it is trying to accomplish by holding this belief? Because this part of you might be in pain and in conflict with the rest of you, but it still wants what's best for you, even if it is a little misguided! 

I legit was doing a bit of parts work last night, I'll see if I can take some pics of the exercise I used. If I get time!! Boy tonight has flown by - if not tonight then tomorrow! If I don't catch you before I head off, nighty night hun! 

🫂🫂