My Mosaic

[Eve7]

I wish I could wrap my arms around you @Bow in a big Mama bear 🐻 hug 🤗 

I’m pleased you like your new Psych and only time will tell if you can really open up with her.

I’m sorry you had a post removed when you were vulnerable and I hope you’ve been able to discuss the reasons.

It’s good you’re still around as you add a lot of value to the forum.

Love and hugs

💙🤗🦋🙏🦋🤗💙

[Snowie]

@Bow 

So glad you are still here hon. This place wouldn't be the same without you.

.💕💕💕💕

[Bow]

Home learning is not worth the tantrums today 😩 I'm done. Chai out in the sun. 

[Snowie]

I agree @Bow 

Some days it is not worth it. Totally understand with 2 at home trying to do it.

A Chai out in the sun sounds wonderful hon. I hope it helps.

[Bow]

The sun is really nice today @Snowie 

How are you doing?

[Snowie]

I'm ok thanks @Bow 

Just about to go up the supermarket then come back and do some washing. Such an exciting life!!!

I'm glad the sun is really nice today. It looks sunny outside here too. Might have a coffee in the sun later on after finishing everything.

[Bow]

I wish that I had someone that I could come home and unload on after appointments. I can't talk to my Mum. I have no one.  And there is so much I can't talk about on here cause my stuff gets so heavily moderated, such is the life of someone with an ED. It's not fair. 

I seen my dietician this afternoon. She is so kind. She was not disappointed in me, could appreciate how difficult things have been and that with no other coping tools and inconsistent psychological support, of course I am going to use unhealthy ways to cope. 

I was really afraid that she was going to tell me that I had to quit exercising, especially cause I've picked back up another unhealthy coping tool, but she didn't. She understands that it's good for my mental health, it's not good that it's driven exercise, but at the moment she accepts that it's something I need to do to cope. I was also afraid that given the amount of exercise, she would increase my meal plan. She didn't. Thank goodness. I was anxious that she would be so disappointed in me picking back up that other unhealthy coping tool... she understands why I do it. And hopefully by addressing something else with the professor, maybe it will help that.  Sorry I'm vague, can't say much, will get in trouble. 

Even though my appointment went ok, I've walked away feeling really miserable. I hate this disorder. It's so lonely. I don't see it getting any better. I hate my body so much. I hate myself so much. I don't ever see myself coming to a point of being able to accept my body for what it is and thus meaning this horrible disorder will dictate the rest of my life. It is an intense battle inside my head every waking moment. Who would want to live a life like this?? I certainly don't.

[Jynx]

Hey @Bow , I'm so sorry you have been struggling so much of late. You're right, it is so much harder to manage symptoms when our support just isn't sufficient. Even if the coping strategy you're using is unhealthy well, at least you're still coping. I like the sound of your dietician, she seems to be really caring and compassionate. I hope you can see what I feel she understands - that no one can guilt or shame themself into a better state of mind. I think it's not uncommon to feel a great sense of hopelessness because it feels impossible to imagine a life where you are past this. But I see you still trying, I see you holding on... I see you. 

Also, I totally acknowledge the frustration about not being able to talk about certain ED things on the forums. It can make it really hard when everyone says "reach out, talk about it!" then you feel like you can't. My best recommendation is to keep doing what you're doing here - use stuff like 'ED behaviours' and such, and just focus on talking about the emotional impact it has on you. You can always reach us via email if you're unsure about something. 

Here with you if you want to get anything else off your chest 

[Snowie]

Hey @Bow 

Here with you hon.

I'll make us a cuppa 💗💗

[Bow]

Thanks @Snowie @Jynx  

i feel so much fuming inside me at the moment. Anger and frustration. I feel like I shouldn't be feeling this way cause I walked away from my appointment with my dietitian understanding and being so kind and compassionate towards me.... she always is, when I don't feel like she should of be. I was expecting the disappointment, I guess cause I am so flipping disappointed in myself. 
I can not express how truly disgusted, hate filled and pissed off I am at myself. What is the point anymore? I honestly don't see any glimmer of hope anymore. I wanna cry.