My Mosaic

[Bow]

Struggling with the loud ED voices inside my head @Former-Member  ive done ok over the Christmas break... that doesn't even sound right cause 'ok' in who's terms??? My ED doesn't think it's ok..., but I have every intention of diving into a restricting phase. I feel so disgusting. I can feel the weight that I've put on. I hate that there is still so much dang food in this house. Why does Christmas festivities have to be based around so much food?!??
my mum said she wants to lose weight in the new year. That made me very happy. If she's doing it I have every excuse to get away with it too, but to what extent I don't know. 

I just feel miserable. Stuck in a disgusting body. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Bow,

That's really great that you've been fairing okay during the Christmas period. That is no small achievement so well done for getting here.

It sounds like you're going through a lot of heavy emotions over the past few days though, yeah? I find that when I'm not using my healthy coping mechanisms I turn to other unhelpful coping mechanisms, and usually that's because I'm not dealing with, or I'm avoiding, a painful emotion. I'm wondering if that is a similar experience for you?

Do you have any grounding exercises that can help move through some of what you're struggling with? Or perhaps a bit of healthy distraction for when things feel too overwhelming? 

[Shaz51]

Hugs @Bow ❤❤

[Bow]

Yeah maybe @Former-Member  guess I'm still trying to learn some more healthier coping mechanisms too. I'm just trying to keep myself as busy as I can. Whenever I have a moment to myself where I find myself sitting still... quietly, that's when it just gets all too loud. Nights particularly. 

thanks @Shaz51  hugs back at ya. 

[Former-Member]

@Bow there are a bunch of coping mechanisms out there, I think it's a matter of trial and error and keeping a list of the ones that have worked for you in the past. The other thing I've noticed over the past few years is that I have to be practicing them because it's a bit like any other skill, a matter of "use it or lose it".

One last thing, many years ago in a depression group I was in they got us to list our core values and suggested we live by them. At the time that didn't mean a whole lot for me, but fast forward to today and it's my number 1. mantra – will this behaviour (whatever that may be) take me towards my goals and living a value directed life? If not, then what steps can I take to move away from that behaviour and how can I support myself in chosing a behaviour that will. Not at all easy, and takes a lot of practice, but very slowly I've found this has helped me reach the place I'm at today (and that place is infinitely better than where I was!).

Go well today @Bow 💙

[Bow]

@Former-Member My psychologist touched on values in my last session with her- she says they are important. She knows how important? my faith is to me, I've spoken about my pastors, my paid employment with my church and the different things I do within my church community. But I told her that I wasn't sure I would go to church on Christmas Day. She was trying to figure out if my values had changed... or I think she was trying to get at the fact that they can fall to the wayside with our moods?  I think that's what she was trying to get at. 

[Jynx]

Hey @Bow , I've taken over for Rhye this evening. 

Values is a very interesting but very useful place to be with your psych. Perhaps next session you could ask for a little more clarity on what she was trying to communicate to you?

I think it's normal to struggle to behave in accordance with your values when you're recovering from trauma - for instance we can become quite reactive to triggering situations and behave in a way that is focused solely on reclaiming a sense of safety, even if that behaviour goes against our better judgement (or 'wise mind' as its called in DBT). Then we might feel guilt or regret afterward, even though we were only doing the best we could to increase feelings of safety at the time. 

Do you feel your values have changed? Does not wanting to go to church on Christmas Day carry weight or significant meaning for you? I'm curious, and invite you to reflect - if you feel it would be helpful of course. 

[Bow]

Hey @Jynx ! 

i just had another conversation with someone and they bought up values too! They said that looking at our values is very common in ED recovery (perhaps any kind of recovery too?). 

what you said about behaving in accordance with our values when in trauma recovery makes a lot of sense. It is a lot about what feel safest and sometimes... a lot of the time, I find myself ignoring what would normally be really important to me. 

To go even further, I feel like I lost myself when I became mum. My whole world became wrapped up in who I was with my daughter. What I did changed. Who my friends were changed. And that all became even more complicated with my marriage ended. My identity changed again. Trauma changed me. My ED changed me again.... and now I find myself feeling confused about my ED being a part of me compared to my ED being me. If that makes sense. 

I think perhaps my values have changed. I don't know where things sit for me in regards to church and my faith. I think the assault has me questioning things, maybe I feel really disconnected because of the way church has changed due to covid. My churches leadership has changed and I'm not sure I'm keen. I think there are a lot of factors. But at the end of the day is my faith still of central importance.... I don't know. 

[Jynx]

@Bow  Quite a lot to think about, especially with so much instability shaping how you might see yourself - you've spoken of quite a number of things here which would all have had a huge impact on your sense of self! So in my eyes, it's no wonder you are struggling to find yourself as someone separate from the ED, because the person you once were no longer exists. Reminds me of this tweet I found while searching up memes: 

Perhaps you are on a journey of finding who you are after, or in spite of, all of this change.

I think another important concept when it comes to identity is that our identities are not static, not really. We are always learning and growing - so when you had a daughter, suddenly you had this whole new identity of being a Mum. And the way you are as a mum will grow and change as your daughter does. I like this Stephen Fry quote, I think it sums it up beautifully: 

In regards to church... perhaps there's two parts to that? One side is the sense of community (the changes in the church might mean it's time to look elsewhere, to decide whether to nurture the connections you have found there or build toward connections you might make in the future) - and what it can add to your life; the other is your own personal faith - and what it can tell you about yourself. What do you think?

I found this from a quick Google search - could be a helpful exercise?

Identifying your Core Values

[Bow]

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Just went for an evening stroll with D and puppy.... gosh lots to chew on there hey @Jynx  this feels so spot on 👇🏻

@Jynx wrote:

it's no wonder you are struggling to find yourself as someone separate from the ED, because the person you once were no longer exists.

really don't know how to seperate the 2. I can easily answer questions about what my ED says. But when I'm asked what other parts are thinking, I really don't know. Sometimes I think I know what I 'should say' but everything in me is against that. 

I really do have no idea who I am anymore. So much has changed. Things are not the way they once were, not the way that I had planned or dreamt. And to be honest it all feels a bit overwhelming not knowing who I am. Where things are going to go. I really struggle with the fact that I have no idea what I wanna do with the rest of my life, as terrible as it sounds, sometimes it feels easier... safer just to stay the way things are. Even though I absolutely hate having a MI, at least I know? 

Trauma does changes us. We are never the same. It's like it breaks us down to the core and we then have to rebuild.... perhaps cause we've already lived a little we can be a little more selective about what's more important now? someone else posted on here recently... think it was @Former-Member ? In a book thread, about living your life despite the struggle. 

and yep, think your right about the church and faith stuff. Time will tell. More stuff to chew on a bit.