Running

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

nope, I just do what I can in the time that I have

I just play go fish with my best friend mostly, sometimes solitaire on my own

[rav3n]

@avant-garde nice! do you do other sports too?

i still need to learn to play solitaire. the treadmills at my gym have the card game so i tried playing it but once, but i think i played it wrong lol. 

got any plans for this weekend? 

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

I think my opposite neighbour is moving out... I like her... she's the only other female I know in my little complex...

It's kind of caught me off guard...

[rav3n]

@avant-garde oh noo 😕 totally fair to be caught off guard, i know i'd feel upset. did you get any info around who's going to be living in your neighbour's place? 

[avant-garde]

@rav3n 

communication... huh... no... they don't believe in THAT here! 

There's a fair whack of empty units at the moment so who knows, hopefully another female, otherwise all my neighbours will be male...

[rav3n]

@avant-garde ughhh that's frustratingggg!! and i get that it probs doesn't feel super safe, i got my fingers crossed that you get some female neighbours real soon.

i gotta hop off, i'll catch ya next time. hope you rest up 💙

[avant-garde]

TW: abuse, exploitation

Content/trigger warning

I think of my abusers
all that have hurt me
I think of where they are
how they can live free

I think of all the girls
the little girls like me
raised in cultic households
to be who they're told to be

I think of all the pain
every tear that's cried
like I didn't make a difference
to the ones I left behind

when will I see justice
where does my story fit
with the dozens of children
who haven't come forward

will we get our day in court?
will my dad be forced to listen?
the part he played in all of this
will he be made to take account?

holding onto God's justice
it doesn't feel enough
I feel my voice is silenced
that my past isn't bad enough

I think of what he did to me
more what he did to them
the ones that came after me
the ones I had to train

confused, scared little girls
who just wanted to be saved
to not know what that looked like
told that they had to be brave

how I led them to the slaughter
like what had been done to me
am I at all to blame?
for what I didn't see?

will we ever see our justice
will we ever be truly free
from the abusers of our pasts
and the shame we refuse to see

I need some support with this one...

@Jynx @rav3n @tyme @MJG017

[tyme]

Hey @avant-garde ,

Thank you for sharing. I can see how the words flow out in poetry. 

I'm sorry you had to (an continue to) endure this pain.

At this time, can I clarify, what does support look like for you? I know in the past that it wasn't about getting answers, but more for someone to hear and validate you. Other times, you just wanted a hug. 

I'm open to hearing so hopefully I get it right 🙂

[MJG017]

@avant-garde 

I don't really have any answers for you, just that you shouldn't blame yourself for any of it.  You already have to deal with so much, don't put blame on top of that either.  You really don't deserve that.  I just hope that you do eventually get the justice for the people that were to blame.  I know it won't change anything but it's the very least you deserve to see happen.  Sending you some positive vibes right now.

[avant-garde]

@MJG017 - thank you

@tyme - I know I've done everything that I can to stop them but so much of me blames myself for not getting them out, I know it's not my fault but my heart tells me it is. 

The book I finished last night was "what is a girl worth" by Rachel Denhollander... there were hundreds of girls... numerous investigations... dozens of reports... so many that spoke up... only to be cast aside and dismissed...

I need people to see that with mine... to see the pain I carry for not being able to stop it... to tell me I don't deserve it... because maybe hearing it from someone else... maybe it will help my heart to believe...