2 young adult daughters with BPD

[Donna63]

Just joined because I'm burnt out and at breaking point.  

D1 is 22 and diagnosed with BPD in July.  She has moved out and cut off the family as she believes that we are the cause of her BPD.  Do I give her space or do I keep reaching out so she knows I still love her. Nothing seems to be working.  She said she 'can't be around my energy', what does that even mean? 

D2 is 21 and we have had a rollercoaster of depression, anxiety, PTSD, panic attacks, self harm, drug use, alcohol abuse, living on the streets, abusive DV relationships and now she is back home after a couple of years away and there is almost daily abuse, aggression, guilting, embarrassing me in public.  Friendship group are 'city kids' with no families, no jobs and if I say anything against them (in her eyes) I get called a nasty snob. 

I take her to every GP, psych & psychiatrist appointment, buy her medication, support her mentally, emotionally and financially and I'm wondering when I will see improvement.  When will the abuse stop?  Is there any support for the parent?  I'm reading books, watching webinars, but nothing can replace good practical advice that is specific to my daughters.  (FYI their father is chronic depressive and perhaps other undiagnosed mental health issues).  

Where do I start? 

Thanks for reading. 

[SJT63]

@Donna63 

Hi Donna,

it's not my children but my partner that I care for.

I'm tagging a friend on here who has a son they care for in the hope that you can get some practical advice.

regards,

S

@Anastasia 

[Anastasia]

Thanks @SJT63 ❤️

Hi @Donna63 

I hear you. I'm juggling lots of balls but I'll come back when I can focus and reply properly. In the mean time welcome and please know you aren't alone x

[Donna63]

Thank you so much 🙂

[Anastasia]

Hello @Donna63 

My goodness I soooo hear you. I'm sorry you have such a heavy load to carry and with this I am not at all surprised you are burnt out and at breaking point. When I came here that was me.  It is such a struggle between the love and heartbreak for our loved ones and our own needs which tend to take a back seat, usually to our own detriment.

My advice...educate yourself as much as you can around your daughter's illnesses.

Self care...paramount... so difficult but so necessary. They need you, so first and foremost take care of you. Think of the flight attendants advice to fit your own mask first. I have regular pycologist appointments to offload. I walk for time out and I have my beautiful dear friends here to exchange stories with and support each other because let's face it, it's bl00dy hard. It's a pleasure unders such :pile_of_poo:ty circumstances to meet you. If you want to tag me just put this symbol at the beginning of my name. I work full time so weekdays I usually take longer to respond but I always will. Hugs and hugs and I hope being here already makes you feel a little better already xox👂🙏👋💕✔️🌺

Thanks again @SJT63 💕

Tagging some other members to say hello to as they are all awesome, incredible individuals I am so lucky to call friends...

@Emelia8 @outlander @Snowie @Eve79 @WIP @Lee82 @Musiclover @TAB 

@Shaz51@Determined @Smc @Adge 

@MDT @Zoe7 @Faith-and-Hope @Former-Member @Owlunar @BPDSurvivor 

[WIP]

Hi @Donna63 

It really nice to meet you. I'm so sorry to hear of the challenges you are going through with your two girls. Myboy is correct, it's paramount to look after yourself, so you can then support your girls. Believe me, as much as they test you with their behaviour and words, they really need you.

I have battled with depression and mild anxiety, since my mid 20s. And managed my 'episodes' with the right medication and psychiatrist.

Due to some major life traumas over the past few years, I've gotten considerably worse and have been able to bump my diagnosis up to major depressive disorder (treatment resistant), generalised anxiety disorder and have PTSD added to my diagnoses. After a year of searching, I've just found a wonderful psychologist and she has picked straight away that I have 'emotional dysregulation' - something that ppl diagnosed with BDP often experience.

I have really struggled with my family not understanding how unwell I am recently, when before I was able to cope ok. They knew I had depression, but thought it was the same as always.
When I let them know, what my recent diagnosis was (being upgraded to MDD and GAD, with PTSD) and it would be 'nice' if they could do a bit of research on what that actually means and how difficult my days can be, it made a huge difference.

So, I second Myboy again, in educating yourself on their illnesses. This will help all of you.

Please look after yourself @Donna63 

We are all a pretty friendly bunch here, and only a tag away.

Take care

WIP

🦋😣

[Donna63]

I've found that friends are a bit light on. Over the years our family has become persona non grata due to how my girls didn't gel along well with other kids. They took offence to being left out and there was always drama. It was easier not to go out. It was usually embarrassing for me. They are adults now but no one forgets in our community. 

I guess I have to find a psych to talk to that understands BPD & can guide me through this so I don't give up & leave them to their lives.  But of course I could never do that. The shame would be immense. On top of all the guilt I already hold. 

I'm reading "When your daughter has BPD" which has made me feel more 'normal'.  If anyone has some practical guides to dealing with this, I'd like to hear about them.  Stories are good but how to's better. 

Thanks all 😊

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi and welcome to the forums @Donna63  👋

I have recently started receiving an education about personality disorders through my own set of circumstances.  I agree so much with what @Anastasia  and @WIP  have said, and please keep taking care of you,

[Owlunar]

Hi @Donna63

I'm glad to meet you though sorry about the circumstancrs  - and you are most welcome to share your life - I'm glad you have found  us 

BPD is very hard to manage  - people who have it cannot control their emotions and make impulsive decisions. I do believe they can learn to manage life though it's not easy 

My son .most likely suffered from BPD  - I will catch up later - flat battery

Dec 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hi @Donna63 ,

 Thanks for sharing. It certainly sounds challenging at the moment.

Having BPD can be challenging, but with the right therapy, people like myself can live very successfully. I've had BPD from my late teens. I feel like I've lost most of my early adulthood life. But that's okay, because through therapy, I'm now on the right track and moving forward.

First things first, unless your daughters see there's a problem and THEY themselves reach out for help, there's little you can do for them. Now it's about seeking help for yourself as a carer. BPD therapy is able working outside the comfort zone to change an unhelpful mindset. This work needs to be done by the individual.

As for MissBPD22, I think she needs space for now. Send her a text once every so often, but I know as a Borderline that I needed space to recover. I separated myself from family and friends so I could find my own way and work through things. Now, I am able to have stable relationships with my family. I always knew my family were there for me, but I needed space to recover.

As for MissBPD21, set yourself boundaries so that you don't get hurt. Boundaries are very important for borderlines. They may act like they hate it, but that's what helps them feel secure. Eg to know that if she abuses you, you will leave her alone until she's calmed down. 

Point of advice, don't waste time and energy trying to reason with a heightened borderline. It's like talking to a brick wall two bricks thick. Walk away, breathe, and come back when things have cooled down. That will protect you from potential abuse. I know that whenever I was heightened, my therapists would tell me that they would end the session then come back to check on my at a certain time. That helped a lot.

Anyway, I'd better get going - off to work.

Cheers,

BPDSurvivor