I can’t cope

[Captain24]

If only I could see myself from the other side @Jynx 

I can’t breathe. I can’t slow it down. I can’t gain control. I’m lost. I’m scared. I can’t stop. I’m really struggling. I’ve taken meds and had to be careful. I’m losing control. 

He is just stupid! I now have both of them asleep on me. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 no matter what hun, know what's inevitable? You feeling better again. I know in your brain it may feel like you'll be trapped in this darkness forever but it's not the truth. Moods and feelings, even the horrible ones, are always temporary. You will not feel like this forever. 

Proud of you for managing the temptations. You can keep it going, I know you can!! 

I am heading off soon ok? Sending big piles of hugs, strength, and hope. Awww sleepy puppies!! That's such a nice mental image hehe. 

Will you be on tomorrow or do you have work? 

[Captain24]

It doesn’t seem like it. How do I stop this. I’m out of control. I have racing thoughts. I’m too agitated and restless to go to bed. I’m so wired. 

They are still sitting on the bench. I couldn't put them away.

Im sorry I have been a lot tonight. Im sorry im so bad. 

I’ll be around tomorrow that’s only if you want to talk to me after tonight. I know i wouldnt. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 restlessness and agitation for me is usually solved with movement - punching or screaming into a pillow absolutely counts. Star jumps or a quick full-pelt run also work wonders. 

I know it's not fun to hear, and I know phone calls are big sources of anxiety - but calling a crisis line could also be the way to go. 

You are a silly goose if you think I'd abandon you now!! I will chat to you tomorrow hun, for sure - I look forward to it! Love seeing your name in my notifications 😁

You got this. It WILL PASS. Okay, sending Jynxy cuddles and signing off! 

🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂

[Captain24]

I know you have gone now @Jynx but I just wanted to respond anyway. I feel like I need to. 

The whole idea of moving is hard. I’m not motivated and I’m too fat and lazy. It’s my insides. It’s hard to describe. My outside has nothing to give. I just feel like I’m wasting your time by not being able to do things. 

I have kinda slowed my breathing down but it’s still rapid. My thoughts won’t stop racing and my heart is pounding. I feel like I’ve lost any control over my body. 

I am so so so disregulated. I know that but I’m unable to bring myself back. I’ve tried my spiky ring and I just tried ice. I can’t make anything work. 

Nah.. not a silly goose just allowing you a reprieve from my mess. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 probably hasn't occurred to you that I do not want or need reprieve from you deary. That's okay, happy to keep you informed 😋

How has today been for you hun, things shifted from last night or feeling about the same?

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Sorry about last night. 

Im still not ok but I'm not as distressed however i have just gotten out of bed. I got up and fed the dogs lunch and just went back. That’s how useless I am. 

I had so much to do today but I haven’t done it. Now I’m stressing about not having it all done. I didn’t even go and get my meds that I need tonight. I’m so stupid. So fat and lazy. 

How has your day been? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 heard something recently that was a game changer - "If you were being lazy, you'd be enjoying yourself." It's not laziness to be too overwhelmed to do tasks hun. 

And also, other than the meds (which is crappy, and also I FEEL YOU I'm outta meds too 😩) - what really is the consequences of not getting stuff done today? You will have to do it tomorrow? 

My day has been ok, had a doc appt so of course, had a big cry (I am literally okay, I just can't not cry in dr appts lol) and I forgot to take my thyroid meds this morning so my brain is SO SCATTERED. You can have delirious Jynx today ahaha - least until I skip off to the webinar at 7!

[Captain24]

What is it then @Jynx. I feel lazy but no I don’t enjoy it. Im just hopeless. 

I can’t do it tomorrow as I have a training day at work. So I can’t do anything until Wednesday. Such a loser.

Its my sleep meds that I’m out of. Today was just too much and I just couldn’t face it. Now I have to suffer the consequences. With everything I haven’t done as well. I don’t even have clothes ironed for tomorrow. I feel like such a failure. 

I hope you feel better after the cry. What makes you cry each time? 

You finish at 8 tonight anyway don't you? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 then it's not laziness - it's overwhelm. And you CANNOT be blamed for not being able to cope with... *gestures wildly at everything*. Life is REALLY HARD these days. We are all being put through the ringer - cost of living crisis, everything fun is too expensive, it's harder and harder to find community... These things are heavy for us to have to carry, and doubly so if we have to carry them alone. Add in complex mental health? Yeah. That's a recipe for MASSIVE and CONSTANT overwhelm. 

You're not lazy, you're under-resourced, which is a reflection of society, NOT your capacity. 

Hmm... I'm not 100% sure, but I mean I have worked out that I cry from overwhelm, not just from like, being upset. I think because I have had SO MANY experiences of being shut down, gaslit, condescended to, etc. in dr appts my body is just primed for the experience to overwhelm me. Annoying part is that most drs in the past have then gone 'aww, crying. I see. Okay all your problems must be psychosomatic... have you seen a psychologist?' Ugh. 

Aye, I do indeed!