Acceptance is hard work

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 Thank you for your advice. I just have to learn how to be happy just doing enough. Enough to get me through, enough to pass, just enough in general.

I appreciate it. I like having you here, but it's up to you. It's been an intense day and I don't want that to impact you, but that's your call to make. 

@AuntGlow @Jynx I'm going to start with...I am safe. Not necessarily okay, but safe.

It kind of started last night. I had a good day yesterday, and got to spend some time building connections with the kids. I came home feeling lighter and a little more positive. My brain wasn't as foggy. I got on and did some study, got some things done around the house, cooked dinner. I say down to attend my first online ZOOM session for the course and I started to feel really overwhelmed. They were talking about the assignment due on Sunday, and how to reference, where to find sources, what kinds of sources to use. I started to do the whole..."I don't want to do this...I can't do this..." thought cycle. When the session was over, I was brain fog had set in, but with it my anxiety had ramped up.

I sat here, trying to decide whether to reach out or not because I was thinking all kinds of things like..."I can't manage anything at the moment," and "I'm failing at everything," and the good old fashioned, "I'm letting everyone down and what's the point of trying to reach for something else, a new career because I can't do it...I can't achieve it." I started to think about SI and at that point, I put up a post, then deleted it, and went through that process a few times before I decided to just go to bed.

I did not sleep well. I've not had a lot of sleep over the last couple of days. 

Today I woke up and was like..."today is not going to be good," I knew with the feeling inside me that it was going to be a tough one. I even thought about having a day off work, until I started to feel guilty and I knew that work would distract me somewhat. I took the dog for a walk, and was so jumpy at every little thing. The thoughts from last night have lingered and so have the thoughts about SI. It comes up from time to time and I haven't been triggered like that in a while. Interestingly and maybe unrelated, but I have a sense that it isn't...SI became a thing for me when I was studying in Uni and was dealing with some intense grief over losing my grandparents and a lot of upheaval regarding study. I failed out of Law school, because I stopped going to class. I was struggling big time with grief and my mental health and I went to Uni so that my family believed I was still going, but couldn't make it to class. 

Also today, and I'm sorry if this is random, I've noticed what I think is a new symptom of my anxiety - my tongue feels weird, kinda tingly and it's bothering me. 

[Jynx]

Of course @MissinTooth - as long as it is within guidelines (if you're uncertain about anything you can always ask, email is option too via team@saneforums.org ). But a big emotional vent? Heck yeah so here for it, fire away hun 💜

Edit: boy don't I have GREAT timing? 🤣

[Jynx]

@MissinTooth sudden onset of SI can be really disorienting hey, especially cos it sounds like you're scratching your head a little at why it feels similar to a time when you were experiencing a lot of grief. 

Just food for thought, is this the first time you've been back in a study environment since that last time when you were grieving? Our brains love patterns and associations. Everything stored in our memory is stored by association. So, maybe it is reminding your unconscious enough of that last time that it is bringing up these old thoughts and feelings?

Tingly tongue huh? Hmm well sometimes I try to find out if a symptom is anxiety related by doing my self-soothing stuff for anxiety and seeing if it goes away. Is it super uncomfortable? Nurse on call is always an option cos numb tongue could also be a medical issue!

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx it's the first time I've been back in a Uni study environment. I've studied - I completed a Holistic Creative Arts Therapist certification course a couple of years ago. But it's the first University course I've done since graduating way back when - with all it's special requirements and huge push on academic referencing and writing. I mean...this is different in that it's online, but...maybe. So, that's an interesting thought. 

I'm not a fan of the sudden onset of SI stuff. I would rather leave that behind and not have to deal with it ever again. But, it does come up from time to time for me, but not as strong as it's been over today and last night. 

Yeah, tingly tongue. It's not enough to need medical intervention, but I'm kind of sensory and it's just contributing to overwhelm and anxiety simply because it's different, because it's a new sensation. 

[Till23]

OMG @MissinTooth you could so be writing my story!

Lately I am back to this fluctuating, some small thing does not go optimally spiral down. Pull myself together grit my teeth and try again. Some other randon suboptimal thing, spiral back down.

I find it difficult to take time of work or commitments due to guilt.

I have decided to reach out, decide not too, think I'll do it then don't. Lately I have reached out more than ever in my life (that's not hard, considering how little I did it previously).

Although I finished my degree and worked in that field, I did not reach my potential or do further training due to the stress affecting my MH.

With the tongue thing are you breathing faster or deeper than usual? It can be a sign of anxiety.

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 the fluctuations drive me...I start to feel a little better, a little lighter, a little more positive, like maybe I've had a better day at work and then...hold on...nope, on second thoughts.

I didn't finish Law, but I did graduate with two degrees - History and Ancient Civs and Teaching. 

When my anxiety is bad, I know my breathing changes. I actually have to force myself to stop and take deep breaths, because it feels like I can't. 

[Till23]

Sorry @MissinTooth I'm not sure I understood that - are you saying the fluctuations drive you forward?

That's great you got two degrees. Is it a double degree or two separate degrees?

I can see you've done very well in life.

Yes sometimes if you're breathing too much it changes your blood gases and cause funny symptoms like dizziness, pins and needles etc 

[MissinTooth]

@Till23 Sorry, they drive me up the wall. It's tiring to be constantly chasing regulation. 

I have two separate degrees - a Bachelor of Arts with a double major in History and Ancient Civs and a Post Grad Bachelor of Teaching. 

I haven't done well in life, but I'm trying to. 

I do get dizzy and discombobulated at times, so it could explain it. 

[Jynx]

@MissinTooth The thing that pinged for me was you saying this kinda onset when you were sitting down for your first Zoom sesh. Potentially worth some introspection ay, and of course always happy to be a sounding board 😊

Sometimes, if I have a random intrusive SI, I remind myself that it is my brain's habitual response to high distress, and not a sign that I am 'back where I was' or any of the other similar accompanying thoughts. Just a sign that things may need my attention. It can be difficult not to shame ourselves when these things come up, like 'oh I thought I was past this' - but shame itself can then continue the cycle of spirally thoughts hey! 

Could be helpful to have a think about how you 'talk' back to yourself when you notice SI popping up. Notice what stuff is coming up in your body. Might become more apparent what your brain is trying to protect you from. 

Ohhh I know those feels! I get so many odd body sensations, I have been informed some of it is simply the effects of being in a traumatised, neurodiverse body, but it can be difficult to know hey. 

Could also just be something you ate, or an irritant. Is it same same, worse, or eased off now? 

[MissinTooth]

@Jynx I'm afraid of those SI thoughts. I don't want to go back there, and I feel like I sometimes teeter on the edge of that. Today is one of those days. 

My response generally is like..."NOPE! This is not happening. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore." I haven't been able to switch into that ignore and move on phase today. It's just there in the background. But I must admit, when I came close last night, it did make the thoughts worse. There is such shame and stigma in it and I have never told anyone that I have struggled with it from time to time because of it...well, until now, I guess. 

It's not worse, it hasn't gone. It's still there, but I am less bothered by it now. Now that I've mentioned it and acknowledged it, maybe I understand it a little more and no one made me feel weird for bringing it up. I have such big physical symptoms of my anxiety - I have psoriasis and when I'm anxious, my psoriasis flares and I get so physically uncomfortable, headaches almost constantly, my back muscles tense and knot and I can feel my heart beating out of my chest. I get Shaky and feel wobbly sometimes. It's really...hard work.